Mother update

I spoke to my mother again last week. Turns out she’s not evangelical — she calls her faith “reformed Calvinist” instead. So there’s a quick fact check for you.

Well, let me back up. Week before last, on Thursday, one week before the Thanksgiving holiday, I was just settling in to knit a row while my code did its thing when my phone rang. It was next to me; I looked down and was shocked to see my mother’s face. I picked up immediately. She was on her best behavior — apologetic for calling, offering to talk to someone else in my family if I’d prefer. I knew something was wrong, and so I told her to just go ahead with her news.

My grandmother had just been diagnosed with late-stage stomach cancer. They were saying she might not make it to Thanksgiving. I told Mom that I’ll do what I can to come out there, and she was surprised but relieved. Long story short, my Dad paid for my plane tickets and hotel and rental car so I could go out and say goodbye.

I didn’t think about the part where all three of my aunts and both my brothers would of course be there. None of my cousins, though. That was strange.

She perked right up when I came to see her, and fought hard to tell me that she loved me. I replied that I love her too, and we both cried. I stayed three days and she passed away two days after I left.

But the night before I left, I talked to my Mom about us, about faith, about religion. She says the most important thing isn’t to be happy, nor to live a good life, but to be obedient to God. She says that the only thing that matters is the afterlife, that all our striving in this life is meaningless. That if I don’t convert I’ll go to hell, and she can’t just not believe that. I can’t believe in that theology anymore, it’s too toxic and too harmful. So we agreed that we can’t really be in each others’ lives.

I tried to ask her, if I did form a relationship with Jesus, would that be the end of it or would she then expect me to detransition, abandon my spouse — both my spouses, actually, since Jade’s transitioned now and that’d be gay if I detransitioned but she didn’t — and change my whole way of living.

She dodged the question. Three times.

Rowan was there for the conversation and now has a burning hatred for the woman based on the way she hurt me, but I knew it was coming. It felt right, somehow, that I give it an honest try, that I explain the way I see things and hear out the way she sees them when we’re not both angry with each other.

After we stopped talking I went in to say goodbye to my grandmother, and my aunt was there (the cool one, not the religious one or the one who never shows up to things). She hugged me tightly, said she understood (she had heard the whole conversation from the next room) and that she and her sisters knew what kind of person my mother was and they all accept me. I don’t know if I believe that my religious aunt accepts me, but the cool aunt also said that my grandmother accepts me and I want to believe that, so I’m keeping an open mind.

I gave my aunt my email address and told her we should start having family reunions so we can see each other more often. But I don’t know if it’ll happen.

I told my Mom that if she ever needed me, I would come. That I still love her. But I can’t change who I am for her, and it’s hurtful that she’d even want that.

So that’s my update.

Safe Zones pt 2: Countries 1

Welcome back to Safe Zones. Today we’re talking over international moves for people, particularly disabled trans people, who no longer feel safe in the USA.

Canada

Canada is the obvious answer: it’s reachable overland from 49 of the 50 states, and it’s known for being more progressive than the USA but culturally and climate-wise very similar (at least if you’re used to Northern winters already).

To come to Canada as a refugee, you must be referred. The United Nations Refugee Agency (UNHCR), a designated referral organization, or a private sponsorship group can refer you. To apply, you go to Canada first, then apply for refugee status. To qualify, you must feel you cannot return to your home country due to a well-founded fear of persecution based on

• race
• religion
• political opinion
• nationality, or
• membership in a particular social group. Examples: gender, sexual orientation, etc.

This is called a “Convention Refugee” and it seems to be the most obvious way you can qualify. You can be a Convention refugee if you have the funds needed to support yourself and your family after you arrive in Canada. The other class of refugee is meant for basically those escaping war-torn countries, but there’s a case to be made that the systemic loss of human rights for trans individuals makes us qualify as Country of Asylum refugees as well.

However, there’s an additional wrinkle to all this for US citizens: the USA has been designated a “safe country” for the purposes of some legislation that requires people to apply to be a refugee in the first safe country they cross through, intended to stop the flow of people from South America and Mexico coming up through the US from crossing into Canada for refugee status. I am unclear on how that relates to people born in the US, however. Out of 642 claims for refugee status made in 2018 by US citizens, only 2 were approved — that’s what things look like in more normal times. Biden and Trudeau have reportedly reached an agreement that will allow border officials to turn back asylum seekers heading north across their shared border without considering their petitions for sanctuary, sparking outcry from immigrant groups. Still, there is a very popular petition asking the Canadian government to take in transgender refugees specifically.

Mexico

Our other land neighbor looks less likely. Usually, the flow of refugees goes the other direction, from Mexico into the US, and LGBT individuals who are blocked from entering have faced extremely violent persecution. This means the country is definitely not safe for LGBT refugees fleeing persecution in the USA.

The UK

No, Just no. Terf Island, as it’s often called, is probably the US’s rival for worst English-speaking country for trans refugees.

New Zealand

New Zealand famously accepts LGBT refugees, and the countryside is gorgeous. Furthermore, you can stay for up to 9 months without a visa, meaning if you have to flee last-minute, you can get there and plan your next move from there — if you can support yourself during that time. And it’s apparently not hard to get a work visa if you have a skill on the skill shortage list. They recognize nonbinary genders and do not require surgery for legal gender changes.

The biggest drawback is the time zone. You’d be basically living opposite hours from anyone you left back home in the USA.

Safe Zones pt 1: States

This is the first in a two-part article aimed at trans people who are unsafe in their current living situation and have the funds to escape. I know many of us are solidly trapped, and my heart goes out to everyone who doesn’t have the ability to move, but for many of us moving is the right answer — the only question is where. I didn’t see many guides on the subject, so I did some research and decided to write my own.

This will not be a comprehensive look at all 50 states. If you need to compare a state I didn’t go over, try HRC’s state scorecards as a good starting place. This is solely for convenience for people who are able to move anywhere but don’t know where to begin their search.

California

Let’s deal with the elephant in the room first: California is a very safe place to go if you can afford it. The Gender Non-Discrimination Act lists “gender identity or expression” alongside other protected characteristics throughout the various discrimination statutes. Changing your documentation is streamlined, and you can get an X gender marker on your license if you’re nonbinary. California is also a “safe haven” state for transgender youth, who may be kidnapped and brought back to other states according to their legislature — California refuses to extradite kids in those situations and will protect them. California is the first state in the U.S. to officially ban the use of gay and transgender panic defenses in murder trials. All single-occupancy restrooms must be labeled as gender-neutral, and some cities require all new restrooms built or renovated to be gender-neutral as well.

California is also pretty good on protecting people with disabilities. The state’s Civil Code Sections 54-55.2 specifically grant people with disabilities the same rights as other people to use streets, public spaces, walkways, medical facilities, and other public facilities. Furthermore, a law called FEHA strengthens the protections allowed under the Fair Housing Act and protects against discrimination based on any mental or physical disability.

But the cost of living is… excessive. California is the fourth most expensive state in the country, according to MERIC data gathered in 2022. The only U.S. places that cost more are Hawaii, Washington, D.C., and Massachusetts. You’re going to be hard pressed to rent or buy a place for less than $1,000 a month in California, with the median two-bedroom apartment rent sitting at $1,797, and the average utility prices for the state sit at almost $400 a month on top of that. Both San Francisco and Santa Cruz have median home prices over a million dollars.

Colorado

On May 20, 2021, Colorado H.B. 21-1108 was signed into law expanding prohibitions against discrimination. The law calls out the need to protect all regardless of “disability, race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, marital status, national origin, or ancestry” in all places of public accommodation, including schools. Furthermore, all public entities must allow people to use bathrooms congruent with their gender identity. Colorado lawmakers are on the verge of sending Gov. Jared Polis a bill to protect those who receive and provide gender-affirming care, and all health insurance must cover SRS as of this year. Birth certificates have four sex descriptor; “M” (male), “F” (female), “Intersex” and “X”. State IDs and driver’s licenses have three descriptor; male, female and X.

Colorado is one of the fastest-growing states in the US with the population increasing to 5.8 million residents between 2010 and 2020 (14.8%). According to Colorado’s Office of Economic Development and International Trade, the state’s overall cost of living is 12% higher than the national average and is increasing yearly. Part of the reason why the cost of living in Colorado is so high is because of the state’s real estate and housing market, which is 34% more expensive than the national average. Colorado is a flat-tax state, which means that no matter how much or little your income is, you will be taxed at a rate of 4.50%. Sales taxes have a base rate of 2.9%, but many individual cities will add their own tax.

The weather varies widely between the mountains, which are great for skiiing but pretty cold to live in, and the plains; some cities on the Front Range can get upwards of 300 days of sunshine per year. The average high temperature statewide is about 65 degrees Fahrenheit. The average low is around 36.4 degrees. Most of Colorado is mountains, however, and that means high altitude and dry air. The state of Colorado legalized marijuana in 2012, so there’s been plenty of time to get used to the idea and to put in place rules about where and when and how much can be smoked to prevent the cities from being one big marijuana cloud. The state has a high employment rate compared to other states in America. According to The Denver Post, Colorado’s job market is one of the strongest and most consistent in the nation.

Nevada

Nevada passed 34 laws protecting the rights and safety of its LGBTQ residents from 2009 to 2019. Nevada Vital Records will issue a new birth certificate with a corrected gender without need for surgery; changes to drivers licenses and ID cards are also available, and all three can have an X instead of an M or F. On June 22, 2017, Governor Brian Sandoval vetoed a bill that would have required insurance companies in Nevada to cover all sex reassignment surgery costs. However, Medicaid covers SRS surgeries, and medical providers are not allowed to discriminate based on transgender status. Sandoval did sign three transgender nondiscrimination bills, which prevent discrimination in employment, housing and public accommodations based on gender identity or expression.

Nevada has low crime rates, high security, variety of natural wonders, vibrant nightlife, large casinos, and low tax rates.

With the 20th highest overall cost of living in the country, Nevada residents need to be making at least $30,000 annually to cover expenses. While some cities are cheaper than others, goods and services in Nevada cost 2.5% less than they do on average nationwide. Nevada has no state income tax.

Nevada has a lot of beautiful scenery and outdoor activities, as well as numerous nightlife and casino attractions. However, let’s be real: Nevada is a desert state, meaning it’s hot and dry all summer, while below freezing much of the year at night. If you can’t handle the climate or critters that live in such climate, stay away from Nevada. Otherwise, it’s a real contender on anyone’s list.

Vermont

The home of Bernie Sanders, Vermont allows people to legally change their sex marker on a birth certificate, driver’s license, and state ID to “male, female or X” – based on self determination (without any court order, mental health diagnosis, sexual reassignment surgery, divorce and/or even a medical practitioner’s permission). Since July 1, 2018, Vermont has required all single-user public bathrooms to be marked as gender-neutral. A bill currently in committee, H.89, will protect the right to both abortion and gender-related care in the state.

One of the best things about Vermont is that it offers affordable housing options compared to its neighbors on the East Coast. In fact, the state’s housing costs are 11.5% lower than the national average. The median monthly rent for a studio apartment in Vermont is $772, while a two-bedroom apartment will cost you around $1,089. If you’re looking to save money, stay away from Burlington, which boasts much higher prices. Your monthly utility bill in Vermont will be around 17% higher than the national average. However, internet connectivity is surprisingly low, with only around 70% of the state having internet access at all, and they are paying a premium for it. The average monthly internet bill in Vermont is $83, with only 1.1% of residents paying less than $60 per month. Vermont residents pay more on healthcare, with an average expenditure of $6,103 compared to the national average of $5,640. Vermont has a progressive state income tax ranging from 3.35% to 8.75%, making it one of the states with the highest income tax rates.

The state has a reputation for its people being politically engaged as well as friendly and helpful. There is beautiful scenery for hiking and biking trails, and much of the state is safe from the worst effects of urbanization. That said, it’s very cold much of the year, with snow for a solid five months. There are no billboards, which is nice, but not many large hotel chains, which can be good or bad depending what you’re looking for. Traffic is light and crime rates are low, but the whole state has this “small town” vibe that may or may not be what you’re hoping to find. If you like that sort of thing, this might be the state for you.

Maine

On November 8, 2005, Maine voters agreed to keep in place a law, LD 1196, “An Act to Extend Civil Rights Protections to All People Regardless of Sexual Orientation”, passed by the Legislature and signed by the Governor in the spring of 2005. This law specifically protects transgender people as well as homo- or bi-sexual people. However, health care services related to transition are not covered by many insurers. Changing one’s birth certificate requires a letter from a physician stating that transition has been “completed”, and only last year they removed the requirement to publish all name changes, which outed many transgender individuals. Since November 2019, Maine residents no longer require certification from a medical provider in order to change the gender marker on their driver’s licenses and state ID cards.Three sex options are available on driver’s licenses, birth certificates, and state ID cards: “male”, “female” and “X”.

Maine has the lowest cost of living in New England. The cost of living is only 15% more than the national average. Median salaries lag significantly behind the national average, sometimes by up to 50%. The average salary in Maine is about $58,015 per year, which translates to $4,835 per month and $27.89 per hour. On the lower end, Maine’s minimum wage is $12.75, which helps cap how much absolute poverty there is in the state. The average rent in Maine ranges from $829 to $1,850 per month, depending on the kind of apartment. The average food costs in Maine are about $361 per adult per month. The average utility bill per person in Maine is about $380 per month and $4,560 yearly per household.

Maine is home to many unique properties, including a thriving lumberjack community and the Aurora Borealis, which can sometimes be seen in northern Maine. There are beautiful beaches, and lots of forests, but the population is pretty dense over the course of the state, often surprisingly so. There are also ticks to watch out for, especially if you have pets. And like Vermont, the winters are frigid and snowy. The people have a reputation for being set in their ways, and the population is aging overall, with few young folks coming to live there. But if you’re looking at New England, it’s definitely not a bad place to check out.

Illinois

Illinois is one of three states that recently passed a law designating all public single-occupancy restrooms as gender neutral. Illinois is also one of eight states that have banned LGBTQ “panic” defenses, which the HRC considers an important step towards ending the legitimization of violence against LGBTQ people. It’s particularly great if you have or plan to have kids: last year, the state became the fifth in the U.S. to pass a law requiring schools to teach LGBTQ history and include the positive contributions of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people in their curriculum. In January 2023, a bill passed both houses of the Illinois General Assembly to “legally protect and defend gender-affirming care” within Illinois – as well as individuals coming from outside Illinois to seek gender-affirming services inside Illinois. The Governor of Illinois is yet to either sign or veto the awaiting bill heading to the desk.In July 2020, a “third gender” option (known as “X”) became available (alongside “male” and “female”) on birth certificates.[64][65] A similar option will be available on driver’s licenses from 2024.

Illinois enjoyed the 17th lowest cost of living in the United States for 2022, according to the Missouri Economic Research and Information Center. The cost of living in Illinois is 8% lower than the national average, though Chicago in particular has a cost of living 31% higher compared to the state average and 20% higher than in the rest of the U.S, so if you want cheap housing look away from the windy city. Housing is 56% higher in Chicago than in the rest of the nation. The median home price is $539,932 for both downtown Chicago and in the surrounding suburbs. According to the team at GOBankingRates, homeowners need to earn $84,765 per year to live comfortably in Chicago.

But assuming you’re comfortable living somewhere a little more rural, Illinois can be very affordable. The median home cost for the state of Illinois is $183,700, well below the national average of $231,200. Residents looking to rent throughout the state can expect to pay $900 for a one-bedroom apartment, below the national median of $930. The state of Illinois has a flat 4.95% income tax rate. And while Chicago has a cohesive rapid transit system (the “L” train), most residents outside of the city will need to get by with a car. Transportation costs in Illinois are 27% higher than the national average, with gas prices around $3.30 per gallon.

Oregon

Oregon has the highest percent of LGBTQ people in its population, at 5.6%. Oregon law protects you from discrimination based on your sex and sexual orientation, including gender identity. Oregon will let you not only update your records, but protect those updates from being visible to your employer or landlord or whomever might want to discriminate against you.

However, Oregon had 31 hate crimes motivated by gender identity or sexual orientation reported in 2018, one of the highest hate crime rates among states. Portland in particular is home to Proud Boys, and there are nine other hate groups tracked across the state. I just can’t in good conscience suggest moving to a state so riddled with hate, no matter how much antifa there is to protect you.

Alaska

In August 2020, Anchorage passed an ordinance by a vote of 9–2 to ban the use of conversion therapy on minors; the first city in Alaska to do so. And while they don’t have a lot of protections yet, in March, the state’s first-ever out, queer lawmakers sponsored a bill in the Alaska House to enshrine anti-discrimination protections in law. Until that passes, it’s city by city, with Juneau standing out as one that has passed anti-discrimination laws.

But let’s not beat around the bush: Alaska is cold, and it is wild. Alaska consists mostly of snowy temperatures, a vast tundra, snowy mountains, and dense forests. But if you’re the outdoorsy type, the natural splendor of Alaska is astounding, from the snow-capped high peaks of Denali National Park to the magnificent Aleutian Islands, which are home to numerous volcanoes.

It’s not a cheap state, either: Alaska’s average home price is $265,384, slightly higher than the $263,000 U.S. average. Alaska generally has substantially higher utility costs than the rest of the country, with an average cost that is around 33% more than the national average. There is hardly any public transportation, and food has to travel a long way to get to the supermarkets, meaning it tends to be costly and not very fresh.

Hawaii

I put Hawaii on this list solely to issue a warning: natives and locals are begging people not to move to Hawaii. Sacred spaces are being defaced, and the natives are being priced out of being able to remain on their ancestral land. It’s already ridiculous: in Hawaii as of 2023 you need to be earning at least $150k a year to have what on the mainland can be had for $75k/yr. Plus, you can expect a 20% cut in pay or more from what you’re making on the mainland. It’s a bad deal for you and a worse deal for those already living there. Do not attempt.

Conclusion

There are a number of other states to look at, though I don’t have room to look at them all. I personally, for example, have an eye on Michigan, which has the advantage of being close by my current location of Ohio but also rather blue. There’s a large list ranking every state here, but it has less information about each state, so I hope this helped fill in the gap. Stay tuned for a breakdown of countries for those hoping to flee internationally!

Jubilee’s Detrans vs Trans Video

Recently, a well-meaning friend shared this video with me in the hopes of starting a more nuanced conversation: Should Minors Transition? Detransition vs Trans. He found it fascinating to listen to what detransitioners have to say, as that’s a viewpoint you rarely get to hear. And I agree, it would be fascinating… except that both the people and the editing are cherrypicked and slanted towards propping up harmful stereotypes and conspiracy theories that end up harming the trans community severely.

The first thing to talk about is the debate itself. They ask one question over and over: step forward if you agree with this statement. The statements are, in order they appear in the video;

• gender-related treatment should be banned for minors
• social media brainwashed teens to believe they are trans
• people with gender dysphoria need therapy, not surgery
• God intended for there to be only two genders
• transitioning improved my sex life
• the LGBTQ+ society is not as accepting as they claim

Notice how, with one exception, every statement is a negative one, one that detransitioners are likely to agree with and trans people unlikely. Four of them are right-wing talking points, in fact. Each statement gathers a group of folks who agree with it, and those folks are allowed to talk without interruption amongst themselves, creating a good head of steam. Then the opposite side gets to come in… but they don’t get uninterrupted time, they are interrupted and shouted down by the other side frequently. No fact-checking is done to ground the discussion in science or reality; both sets of opinions are held up as being equally valid.

And that’s what they are: opinions. None of these people are experts. Far from it; Shape and Luka seem shaky on the difference between dysphoria and dysmorphia, heavily implying you can become transgender the same way you can acquire an eating disorder: by watching successful people and comparing yourself to them.

Nor are the detransitioners typical examples of their breed. Luka believes that she was pushed into being trans, that she was correctly diagnosed with gender dysphoria but as a symptom it stems from her trauma from being abused and not her gender incongruity, so she ought to have been given therapy for that trauma instead of transitioning. Shape Shifter identifies now as an effeminate gay man, after having physical complications from surgery, though he acknowledges that gender and sexuality are fluid. David, it turns out, is somewhat typical; being highly religious, his religion convinced him that transition is wrong, likely through some sort of conversion therapy. Alia is the most normal, believing that hormones were the wrong path for her but that others can truly benefit from them, including minors. In the US, studies have found numbers as high as 8% of people identifying as transgender desisting at any point, though 62% of those are temporary and will transition again. Only three percent report regret for transition. According to that source, Luka and Shape are among 5% of detransitioners, David among a different 5%, and Alia’s reasons are unclear. Considering that you ought to have had at least eighty more trans people in the room for them to be represented fairly instead of over-represented, the fact that they’re not even among the majority of detransitioners says a lot.

But let’s go point by point and see what they say.

Should gender-related treatment be banned for minors?

The first person to speak once the video gets going is Shape Shifter. Shape makes two points:

• I had medical complications, therefore children should not transition for fear of complications
• Children cannot consent to medical treatment, because they don’t know what’s best for them (they “want to eat ice cream every day”).

According to a study done in the US, of the patients who underwent gender-affirming surgery, 5.9% had complications, with the most common being wound infection (which is not a big deal as far as complications go). The most risky procedure was phalloplasty. But nobody’s performing phalloplasty on children. Very few will even do a mastectomy on children. Genital reassignment surgery should be reserved for those 18 and older, according to guidelines for the medical care of transgender patients developed by the Endocrine Society and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, or WPATH. With the surgery itself being vanishingly rare under the age of 16 and extremely uncommon under 18, the amount of complications among children is basically negligible. But you know what else has a 5% rate of hospitalization due to complications? Tonsillectomies. And we give those to kids to prevent repeated infection every day. And the comparison isn’t even fair, because that number is only hospitalizations, while the gender-affirming surgery number is all complications no matter how minor.

The number one treatment for children is puberty blockers. Those have one major side effect: if you’re on them for long enough, your bone density may drop. This is not due to the blockers, but instead a side effect of having no sex hormones at all; a patient who has had their ovaries or testes removed will experience the same drop. So that suggests we ought to get the children on proper hormones as soon as we’re confident they’re sure they want them.

Then there’s the question of whether children are able to consent to the treatment. David quickly backs this point up, claiming that kids don’t know who they are until they’re 24 or 25, so they can’t really know they’re transgender. First of all, nobody asks this of any other medical treatment children may need. Nobody asks if we’re sure the child is aware of the consequences of living life without tonsils, or that we can’t be sure someone has ADHD until they’re an adult. But let’s look at the facts: 94% of kids diagnosed with gender dysphoria remain transgender. Furthermore, the highest rate of desistance was among children diagnosed very young (under six) and happened before age ten, which is when puberty blockers would have begun. So the intervention that had to be reversed was nothing more damaging than a haircut and a name change. Again, I have to pause and ask: why are these statements of fact, which are so easily disproven, being held up as sacred? Just because someone has detransitioned doesn’t mean they’re not wrong about trans people. In fact, they of all cis people are most likely to buy into anti-trans narratives, or else why go through all the pain and heartache of detransition?

Next Luka tells some of her story. I have to pause here and express my deep compassion for the woman. What happened to her was not okay, and it needs to be stopped. But what happened to her was against the WPATH standards and the Endocrine Society standards. A double mastectomy at 16 should only be done after years of social transition. The Endocrine society says, “We suggest that clinicians determine the timing of breast surgery for transgender males based upon the physical and mental health status of the individual. There is insufficient evidence to recommend a specific age requirement.” Obviously Luka was not well enough mentally to be benefitted by this treatment, and it should not have happened. WPATH outlines a phased approach for adolescents that begin with fully reversible procedures such as social transition, continue into partially-reversible treatments like hormones (which Luka never had), and then continue on to surgical interventions only when a competent therapist says they’re ready. This is to prevent exactly the problems Luka encountered. I’m very sorry that the rules did not protect her, but they are there to protect exactly people like her, and whoever did the surgery on her should lose their license to operate for not following them.

While we’re on the topic of botched care, Shape, it later comes out, has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. That’s specifically called out as being a blocker for surgery:

When patients with gender dysphoria are also diagnosed with severe psychiatric disorders and impaired reality testing (e.g., psychotic episodes, bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, borderline personality disorder), an effort must be made to improve these conditions with psychotropic medications and/or psychotherapy before surgery is contemplated.

WPATH standards of care

Shape was given genital reassignment surgery. I suspect a lot of her later regret and detransition is due in part to her borderline personality disorder. I don’t fully understand the condition, but it is my understanding that such people are more likely to be influenced by their surroundings into believing things about themselves that may or may not be true.

Back to the video. Luka repeats the same, already debunked claim that many of these kids will desist on their own so you can’t do any interventions lest they later regret it. Only now, with the audience thoroughly prejudiced towards the detrans side, are those who disagree allowed to join the conversation. I should note that this includes Alia, who believes kids should be able to get gender-affirming care despite detransitioning herself.

Samantha, a trans woman, starts out on a good note by saying that all the major medical associations support transition care for youth (a fact) and Luka interrupts to agree with that. Then she goes on to say that it is held up as life-saving and that there are many studies that support this. Luka here interrupts, saying the study is called the Dutch Protocol and was rescinded by the authors later. Samantha claims she has ten studies she can bring to Luka right now. Let’s see if we can find ten studies. Oh wait, I don’t have to: here’s sixteen. As for the Dutch Protocol, the Amsterdam Gender Clinic has reported as late as 2006 that their protocol is still effective and safe. I can’t find any such news of the study being retracted, only people later criticizing it for small sample size and questionable methodology. Fair enough; there’s at least 15 more studies you can read instead.

Ari tries to get the subject back on topic by sharing his story, including having all the necessary checks in place to protect him from accidentally doing himself harm due to being too young to know what he wants. Luckie adds his own story here as well.

Shape’s next point is that we tend to follow longitudinal studies for 20 years; Luckie has only been on testosterone for 14 years, and Buck Angel claims he had adverse side effects and “almost died” from testosterone, so it might one day be the thing that kills him instead of the thing that, as he said, “saved his life”. This is a big tangled mess of an argument: just because Luckie has only been on hormones 14 years doesn’t mean nobody has been on hormones 20 years. Testosterone has long been suggested as a replacement for any man who has lost his testes or his ability to produce testosterone, aside from having been used for transition care for decades. There have been longitudinal studies on this, such as this one showing the decreased risk of heart attack after 12 years. We have been using hormone replacement as a therapy for gender transition since the 1960s, and it’s been widespread since the 1990s. We have already seen the longitudinal effects play out across society. Trans men are not dropping dead left and right from side effects of testosterone — you’d definitely hear about that.

What Buck Angel complains about is atrophy, which I can assure you from personal experience is not only talked about at the doctor’s office, written about in the literature, and spoken of in trans masculine circles, but has treatments that are useful for keeping vaginal walls strong. Vaginal/Uterine atrophy is common among post-menopausal women, in fact. Endometrial atrophy is common among those who have had their ovaries removed, which is why doctors put people who have had this procedure on oral estrogen — if you have “female parts”, you need some amount of estrogen to keep them happy.

I could find no evidence that vaginal, uterine, or endometrial atrophy can be fatal. Not a single thing unless I put in “buck angel”. If you know better, please do let me know.

Buck Angel is also a controversial figure to cite. He’s frequently been rejected by the trans community for his transmedicalist viewpoints, and he tries intentionally to scare as many people into desisting as possible, figuring that only the very most extreme cases should transition medically and that you’re not “really trans” if you don’t transition medically.

Luckie talks about the fact that as a father, if his children came out as trans, he wouldn’t want them to be among the 55% of trans youth that considered suicide. As he says, the leading factor for reducing that chance is supportive family (and unsupportive family, friends, and society are huge risk factors).

Luka makes a fascinating point I’ve not heard before then: she says that citing suicide statistics should be off-limits, because it’s coercive and used to strongarm parents into transition for their kids. First of all, it’s the truth. If the truth is “coercive”, then maybe it’s pointing you in the direction of the right thing to do? Again, I’m sorry that Luka was not able to get the care she needed for her trauma, but any procedure can be botched and any evaluation rushed or half-done. We need to focus on the practitioners that are performing malpractice on children, not ban all treatment. (Because remember, that’s what we’re talking about here: banning all treatment for minors, no matter if they’re like Luka or like Luckie). Secondly, anything could be used to strongarm parents. Parents shouldn’t be strongarmed, they should be given the facts (such as the suicide rate! That’s one of the facts!) and given time and space to make a decision with their child. Why is it okay to strongarm parents into forcing them to not allow their child to transition, using the law as a means to coerce them?!

The producers (or the editors) stop the conversation there, with Luka getting in her point about her parents being coerced but no fact checking or anything like that. Instead, the conversation flows to Arisce, who shares part of her story in an effort to make the point that children ought to have bodily autonomy over their bodies and be able to tell adults who they are instead of adults deciding that for them. Luka, the star of this little show, cuts back in to ask if she believes minors should be able to get tattoos or plastic surgery, and continues on without even letting Arisce answer, talking over her and several other people to do so. First of all, in most states minors can get tattoos at 16 — the exact age that Luka got her mastectomy done. Secondly, as linked above, surgery is not the first step, and a child would have been undergoing years of interventions before they get to anything irreversible (if their team are following the WPATH guidelines, which, again, Luka’s weren’t. Why does her bad experience get center stage and the four or five who had good experiences silenced by her speaking over them?).

Conclusion

That’s the end of the section, the final take-away. I’m going to stop here as well; there are five more sections to this video, but I’m hoping this in-depth review of one section can show just how slanted and misleading this video is set up to be. The titular question being answered, many viewers will stop here — with Luka’s words ringing in their ears and no solid science or studies to back up anything anyone said. If you guys want I can do the rest of the video, but it’ll take a lot longer to go through, given that the next three sections are highly triggering for me. All four of the first four sections are right-wing talking points, and all of them are shot the same way, validating the statement as best they can with the footage they have.

A poem

Mother

I put my coin
into the machine
again and again

near miss
almost
not quite

then it all lines up:
7
7
7
and your love comes pouring out
warm and safe
plentiful
soft

I can’t help myself
I play again and again
chasing that feeling

☠️
☠️
☠️

the machine pierces my heart
sending electric waves
straight into it
arrhythmia
I can’t breathe

I lie on the floor
trying to recover my equilibrium
and I wonder

was it worth it?

Open Letter on the Eve of my Wedding

Dear Mother,

I wish you understood what was going on in my life. I wish you felt that sense of peace and happiness that I feel when I’m with my partners as myself. I wish you understood how holy and sacred this union is, how nothing satanic or evil could feel so sacred and perfect. I wish you could understand how I see my partners: as God sees them, perfect and flawed and perfectly flawed. I wish you could feel as secure in yourself as I do.

You told me it “wouldn’t be appropriate” for you to attend my wedding. I agree. It wouldn’t be appropriate for the one who abused me to see me so happy, to see me mended and whole where you would have me broken and helpless. I wish you had the confidence I’ve found, the healing I’ve found from my own abuse as you have never healed from yours. I wish you understood that someone who tells you not to trust your own intuition, someone who insists that only He knows the truth, that you are broken and flawed and can never measure up and so cannot understand what is sacred and what is evil, is an abuser. That your pastor, that your image of God, is abusive.

That you abused me in the same way.

God doesn’t make mistakes. God made me to be the person I am, genderfluid and masculine and perfect just how I am. God made me with the infinite capacity for love: love of my partners, love of my family, love of my friends, love of my fellow humanity. God made me pure and sweet and kind, affectionate and friendly and gentle. You made me bitter and broken, full of self-loathing that spills out into sarcastic bitterness towards my fellow human. And yet you hold your God to be the true one, the real God, master of all others. Why? You shall know them by their fruits, Jesus said, and the fruits of your philosophy are bitterness and hatred and brokenness, while my God offers respite and forgiveness and wholeness.

You said yourself it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to be present at my wedding. I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be present in any way, in my thoughts, in my heart, in my life. Not until you have forsaken your evil trajectory and your sinful God and found peace and wholeness.

Goodbye, Mother. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope you can find even a fraction of the peace and harmony I’ve found. I hope…

But it’s done, now. The time for hoping and forgiveness and prayer is over. I’m growing and changing, and I’m done letting you hold me back any longer. I’m done with the wages of your sin, the death that your path leads me down. I know who I am. I know who belongs in my life. And it isn’t you.

I wish you all the best,

Bay.

Understanding Racism via The Prince of Egypt

The Prince of Egypt is a 1998 American animated musical produced by DreamWorks Animation and released by DreamWorks Pictures. You’ve probably seen it; it starred Val Kilmer, Sandra Bullock, Jeff Goldblum, Danny Glover, and Patrick Stewart, and the music was full of banger after banger. Seriously, Hans Zimmer and Stephen Schwartz did not need to go in that hard. Consider this opening track, Deliver Us:

The epic scale really drives home the suffering and pain of the Jews enslaved in Egypt. The plot follows the story of Moses in Exodus, delivering the Jews from slavery under Ramses I and Ramses II. Moses of course was raised as Ramses I’s son, alongside his brother Ramses II, but he did not discover that he was a Jew until he was grown and Ramses II was taking over as the pharaoh. He ran away for a time, learning the ways of the Levites (Jews who were not enslaved) and getting married, before returning to free as many of his people as he could.

The emotional climax of the film is the Ten Plagues, delivered through the most epic song I’ve heard in an animated film in a long time. Through the melody line, we come to feel Moses’s pain for the suffering of both his birth people the Jews and his adopted people the Egyptians. But we also come to feel for Ramses II, who did not personally begin the enslavement of the Jews but also chose to, by inaction and inattention, prolong their suffering.

From Ramses II’s perspective, his brother has come back from being missing for decades, something that should have been a joyous occasion for reunion — but instead of good tidings, Moses brought back pain, suffering, and supernatural plagues for not just the royal family, but all of his people as well.

Why would Moses do this to his own brother, his own family, his own people? Ramses cannot understand it. What sense is there in destroying his family and his country when he could instead work from a position of power to reform it slowly? If the Jews are being mistreated, surely there are little things that can be done to ensure their comfort without destroying everything the mighty Egyptian empire has built? Surely Egypt, the most prosperous, powerful, and blessed nation on Earth, has room for both Egyptians and Jews? After all, Ramses doesn’t hate the Jews — his own beloved brother is a Jew.

But all this erases, eclipses, and shadows the very real pain and suffering the Jews were undergoing due to their slavery at the hands of the Egyptians. When you cannot see the Jews as people, you cannot see their pain and suffering. You cannot take into account the enormity of the crimes against them, the vast cosmic unbalance that led to this point. Ramses isn’t capable of understanding the harm he’s causing — so he hardens his heart, turns away from their cries, and refuses to move, insistent that if Moses just approached things the right way things would have been different, but now we have to fight and it’s all Moses’s fault for being unreasonable.

I love Prince of Egypt. There are so many Ramses when we come to do justice work, that it’s easy to understand what’s going on in this song, in this scene. It takes the death of his own son to get Ramses to let the Jews go — and not because he understands, but because he is afraid of what more may come upon his household if he does not. In order to change the heart of a Ramses, we have to make the current system untenable. It has to hurt more than change would in order for change to happen. And people assume change will hurt.

Be gay. Love your neighbor. And make it hurt.

Animal Crossing Proves Marxism

…and other clickbait headlines.

In order to understand this post, you’ll need to know a little about the meta of Animal Crossing. I’ve been playing a lot of it lately, as I mentioned in my previous blog post, but I didn’t get into the ways in which this entry in the beloved series has been updated. One of the many new additions is a smartphone full of apps (because every kid these days has one, so every kid’s game has to include one or kids will wonder why they can’t have one). You can’t call anyone with your smartphone, but that’s fine; the apps are the point, as they have become in the real-world meta over the generations.

One such app, perhaps the single most important to the gameplay loop, is the Nook Miles app. Nook Miles are basically frequent-flyer miles you earn by doing things around your island. At first, you only have a number of long-term goals unlocked, like talking to your villagers every day for 30 days or planting a number of flowers in your lifetime. But eventually you are upgraded to a “miles plus” member, which gives you a sequence of short-term, randomly-generated quests to earn miles. These are small tasks such as selling 20 weeds, catching 5 fish or bugs, or having 3 fossils assessed: each of them can be done inside of half an hour at most, and they reward you with some small number of miles (usually 100 or 150). The first set of quests you get in a day have a multiplier on them, so you earn triple rewards; each task you complete will generate a new task, but the new ones won’t have the multiplier, so there are diminishing returns after the first five quests a day.

Why am I talking about nook miles? Well, as a facebook friend by the name of Miles Redman pointed out today, this means nook miles are effectively a currency directly tied to your labor. You can’t sell anything to earn more nook miles; new miles are only generated when labor is performed, and so every mile represents some small unit of player agency and time. You can, however, buy things with miles. I believe the intended metaphor is that the player is improving the island and, as such, gets rewarded with trinkets and baubles as a thank-you for their hard work and effort. These thank-you gifts include items, recipes, and a way to cash out for bells (the in-game currency of buying and selling) — but they also include the infamous Nook Miles Ticket.

Nook Miles tickets provide a trip to another island where you can obtain more resources than you can get on your home island. They also represent a gamble, as some of these procedurally-generated islands are rare, including ones where you can capture the most expensive bug in the game at a far higher spawn rate than normal, rapidly earning you a lot of bells. But perhaps more importantly, they represent 2000 Nook Miles in an easily transportable package — a physical manifestation of your hard work and labor.

Why does this matter? Well, to understand that, you have to understand another piece of the meta of the game: the Stalk Market. Every sunday, you can buy turnips from a wandering turnip broker for anywhere between 90 and 110 bells. Any day except Sunday, your shop will buy them for a random price, between 30 bells and 800. Obviously there’s huge profit to be made; however, every Sunday morning, the previous week’s turnips all spoil, and spoiled turnips can’t be sold at the going price. So you have a limited time to cash out before you lose your investment. Couple this with multiplayer allowing you to sell things at someone else’s island and you start to see where the meta is going. The intended strat here is to play with friends so that when one of you gets a lucky big break, all of you can rush over to their island and profit. But the internet being what it is, there is now an underground market for high turnip prices, complete with “entry fees” being required on many islands to access the shop and “turnip bouncers” whose job it is to physically block you from going to sell your turnips until you pay the fee.

In a game where time travel can get you nearly infinite bells, there’s no way to cheat the Nook Miles system. A real human has to perform real labor in order to obtain Miles. As such, the Nook Miles Ticket (or NMT as you see it in adverts) has become a defacto underground currency. Ads run something like this: “Nook buying turnips at 615 bells! 10 NMT entry fee, tips accepted!”

Here we begin to see the Marxist analysis. Money can be easily manipulated by playing stocks, gaming the system using your wealth (the more turnips you can afford, the more profit you make) and connections (knowing the right friend with the right price can make a world of difference) as well as a bit of good old-fashioned luck. But when money is just a game, what matters is the player-performed labor. That’s what really adds value into the system. What do the rich long for? More time, and the ability to put in less effort.

There’s also an ethical component here as well. If you know what you’re doing, you can time travel and open your gates all at the same time, meaning you can perpetually have the highest price you can find to let people come sell, while raking in their entry fees in exchange for… what, exactly? In this case, you’re not the shop owner paying for turnips. That’s Timmy and Tommy Nook. You don’t own their shop either. You don’t own the land it sits on, so you’re not even a landlord. It’s more like you were lucky enough to find oil on your property, and you’re leasing the rights to collect it in exchange for NMT (and sometimes gold or rare items that are hard to amass, but you can trivially connect that to the time and effort it takes to obtain the rare items in the first place, just like nook miles are crystalized time and effort). If you’re unethical enough to sit on a high price all day long, posting on turnip exchange websites and cultivating a long queue, time traveling when the shop closes back to when it opened again, you can rake in the consolidated labor of hundreds of players, all for the luck to have a good price and the lack of scruples required to exploit it.

The only way this is going to stop is if people stop paying NMT for turnip prices — that is to say, if they collectively withhold their labor and refuse to play the metagame that the scalpers are playing. If we were all okay with playing a slower-paced, laid back, casual gaming experience, we wouldn’t need to sell at the absolute highest price possible; it’s pretty reliable to obtain a small profit if you’re willing to sell at, say, 126 bells instead of 600+. But as long as people are competitive about it, as long as they need to have all the bells now instead of taking their time acquiring what is essentially an unlimited resource, we’re going to see that play out in the market dynamics that end up consolidating wealth in the hands of a few who know how to work the system.

Adventures in Swapping

So I’ve been playing a lot of Animal Crossing.

Today we posted our dodo code publicly for the first time. We gated off a section of the island so it was all our guests could reach, and built a little Swap Shop complete with a sign. The idea? Take an item, leave an item. The reality? The first guy who showed up cleaned out half the items and booked it, halfheartedly dropping 6 hardwood in response. (Hardwood is a very plentiful resource, and 6 is a pitiful amount).

Based off this article, the idea seemed sound. And yet, I think the “DM me for the codes” element of his posting was essential to maintaining some semblance of accountability. That or his twitter feed is self-selected for people who will understand the point of the concept. We posted on dodocodes.com with a note explaining that there was a swap shop and to bring things to barter, but apparently the idea isn’t self-explanatory enough for the limited text on the site to carry the meaning. (We did post a longer explanation in a facebook group, but nobody came, so we opened it up to dodocodes.com in the hopes of reaching more people).

I’ll keep you posted on future shopping endeavours.

 

These tables were full when we started…

Who is the “Bad Guy”, exactly?

or, “Does Billie Eilish realise how this song hits adult listeners?”

I’ve been listening to a lot of Billie Eilish lately. I love her sound, her ability to set a mood, the essence of her music. But when I listen to “Bad Guy”, her biggest hit, one lyric in particular keeps jumping out at me:

My mommy likes to sing along with me
But she won’t sing this song if she
Reads all the lyrics she’ll pity
the men I know

(emphasis mine).

Will she? Let’s read all the lyrics the way Billie suggests we do, and see what they’re saying. One thing I want to highlight before we continue, however: Billie Eilish was 17 when the song was released (and presumably 17 or younger when it was written). Keep that in mind as we read:

• Billie was wearing a white shirt, but it’s stained red from her nosebleed, and she is now asleep. The song doesn’t expand on whether this is a natural nosebleed or someone hit her. The Pop Song Professor suggests that this implies a virgin innocence now stained with blood from sexual conduct, and I’m not inclined to argue given the context of the rest of the song.
• “You” are sneaking in, whether to be with Billie behind your girlfriend’s back or back to your girlfriend after being with Billie. It’s implied from context of the song that “you” are a male and Billie’s (cheating) lover. It’s also implied here that someone (or everyone) knows you’re doing this, as you only “think” you’re getting away with it. If the nosebleed was unnatural, you may have been the one to punch Billie in the face, though that’s a bit of a stretch read given it might just be the loss of innocence listed above.
• Billie has bruises on both her knees “for you”. Again, given context, this implies she’s giving blowjobs (perhaps frequently), though alternate readings exist where she’s just a fan of doggy style or perhaps BDSM.
• The next line has two possible readings depending on the elided subject. Either Billie doesn’t say please or thank you, implying she’s rude; this would be the first “bad” act in my book in the song performed by Billie, who certainly doesn’t control whether the man she’s with cheats or not. The other reading is that she’s ordering “you” not to say please or thank you, giving off an air of machismo: the type of person who dislikes “please” because it shows weakness and dislikes “thank you” because it means they’re doing a favor they don’t want to admit to doing.
• Billie does what she wants when she wants, refusing to be controlled. Again, this is either a further refusal to be polite or a furthering of the machismo reading from the previous line.
• “My soul? So cynical”. This line makes me smile every time. Not in a patronizing, “you’re only 17, what do you know of cynicism” way; Billie is Gen Z, a generation that is coming of age in (if possible) even worse conditions than we Milennials grew up in. No, the reason I smile is that 17 is a developmental age where it’s common to feel jaded or cynical due to the loss of childhood and being on the cusp of adulthood. Even the Boomers, who came of age in a very favorable time period, felt that cynicism and loss of innocence. However, ms Eilish probably wouldn’t thank me for pointing it out, as exceptionalism is also developmentally appropriate to 17. Put bluntly: every 17 year old thinks they’re uniquely jaded and cynical now as compared to their 13 year old past self, and they’re all probably right except for the “uniquely” part.

Now the stage is set for the chorus, the main theme that repeats throughout the song:

• “You” think you’re tough, and really like rough sex, but (it’s implied) you’re not so tough after all, you just puff out your chest and act macho
• Billie is “the bad guy” who will make your mother sad, your girlfriend angry, and perhaps seduce your father on her quest to fuck everyone and everything.

Billie’s “badness” here is so far entirely predicated on one thing: liking sex. Those of us who subscribe to the label of “ethical slut” refuse to judge her poorly for that. So what if she likes sex? It’s normal to like sex at 17! (It’s also normal to not like sex, given many people just don’t enjoy it, but that’s beside the point).

Are you pitying the men in her life yet? I’m not. Seems to me the cheater, the one with both Billie and some girlfriend, is the “Bad guy”, and Billie’s just doing what comes naturally to her. If anything I pity Billie for falling into the trap of assuming that women liking sex makes them villains while men are the hapless prey for these women to seduce.

To be entirely fair, here’s the readings for the rest of the song:

• Billie likes to play BDSM games where she’s the “pet” or submissive partner and her partner pretends to own her, though she knows such games are pure fiction and she’s not owned by her partner
• Billie is “only good at being bad” — her self-esteem and worth is low, thanks to her self-image as the “bad guy”.
• Billie likes when her  partner gets mad. This line is interesting; it’s not uncommon to enjoy provoking a response out of a partner who is often stoic and somewhat controlled, making them lose that control and be more “real”. But it doesn’t speak of a healthy relationship.
• “I guess I’m pretty glad that you’re alone”. I would normally read “alone” to mean “unpartnered” but that doesn’t fit the context of the song, so this must mean that he’s come to some location without his usual partner (in order to cheat with Billie).
• The girlfriend is afraid of Billie, who doesn’t “see what she sees” but allows that maybe it’s due to the cheating aspect.

Now you could read this song of course as being a persona, an anonymous “bad guy” Billie’s made up for the purposes of the song. She’d probably like it that way, in fact, given her comment in-song about her mother enjoying her music. Who at 17 wants their mom to know they’re into BDSM? But you don’t write a song like this without internalizing many messages about female sexuality and a woman’s role in men cheating on their girlfriends. So in the end, I still pity Billie (and all young women growing up with these messages) rather than the men in her life.

Furthermore, I’d be curious to know if the men in the song are older than Billie; it’s often a powerful, “bad guy” feeling to be dating someone off-limits due to age or power imbalance, without realizing that you’re being taken advantage of and that the power you seem to have is an illusion. It twists and warps your perceptions of yourself in similar ways to the way the song seems to portray. Just a theory, though. I don’t know that much about Eilish’s life outside of what I can glean from her music.

How about you? Where do you fall on the song reading? Would you like more of this? It’s been a while since I did a song lyrics analysis. I still analyse songs offline, and talk about them with my family, but I happened to write this one down for you all.