If I wrote anything here, would anyone be listening? Would anyone still read this?
2019 has been a long year for me. Lots of changes. Lots of stress and pain. I’ve got secrets out the ass and I feel constipated with them, like I can’t share what I’m feeling or going through because then Someone Would Know.
Fuck Someone. This is my blog and I’m going to share.
But if you’re reading this, please leave me a comment so I know someone’s out there.
I’ve made a new friend this year. Her name is C and she’s amazing and she’s a blogger and she wrote a book and just watching her kick ass and take names has been invigorating for me, liberating. I want to be like her. I have a picture of what the next step of “better” looks like now, and I want it.
I’m in therapy. A lot of therapy. Long-time readers might be shocked by this, as I’ve had a longstanding phobia of therapists and therapy thanks to the abuse I suffered as a child. Well, it snuck up on me, but now I’m doing well. I’ve been in the care of several therapists, one after another, trying out different ideas and modes of treatment until I feel like I’m plateauing. I’m also in couples therapy for my relationship issues, which is going less well but I have high hopes for the next one.
I don’t know if I mentioned on the blog before, but I’m polyamorous. I have a spouse and a partner; you’ve seen my spouse on here before, but my partner prefers to be behind-the-scenes rather than on camera, so I doubt they’ve appeared here before. My partner is asexual, which is hard for me because I’m hypersexual, but we’re making things work in that regard. In a lot of ways, that’s the easy aspect. We both have autism and cPTSD, so our traumas have been butting heads in a way that’s tearing us apart faster than we can mend things. We’re about to switch couple’s therapists again, I’m hoping a fresh perspective can help us understand how to cope when we’re both activated and neither are willing to back down.
This year I also faced another big fear: medication. If you recall, I’ve previously been overmedicated against my will due to being underaged, and vowed not to take psych meds again because I hated the experience so much. Well, I now have a psychiatrist and I’m on medication for anxiety, depression, and ADHD. It’s… different. I’ve had a hard time adapting to some of the medications; I had some weird side effects for a while, and my writing has gone by the wayside this year as I adapt to change after change. I think I’m steady now, and I began writing a new nonfiction book as part of NaNoWriMo this year. The draft isn’t quite finished, but I’ve been battling burnout from work, so I’m hoping I can finish it up after that clears.
This year is about breaking down the mental walls in my mind, pushing through, getting the help I need even if it’s not the help I wanted. There’s another big, life-altering thing I’m going through, something so huge I’m afraid to talk about it. But I need to talk about it. But I can’t. What if the wrong person sees this blog? What if I get outed? What if someone hurts me? But I need to talk about it. I can’t keep hiding who I am anymore, I can’t keep lying to myself and everyone around me. I can’t keep secrets forever. And really, what’s the point re-opening this blog if I can’t be honest, really honest, about what’s going on?
Here goes: you remember how I changed the name of this blog to Other: Please Specify? Well, my gender is also Other: Please Specify. I’m nonbinary. I’ve started HRT, it’s been about six weeks now I’ve been on it, and I’m scared to death but I’m also excited about becoming the person I’ve always been meant to be.
Also I dyed my hair this year: