My goodness, it’s been a long time! Alright, that’s it: this is officially the last time I use a dead-tree book for decons. It’s so much more convenient to pound out a chapter at lunch at work using my kindle than it is to scrounge up time at home in my short evenings or exhausting weekends. Sorry about that.
Anyway, when we last left off, Sam had returned, and had insisted that the ladies who are our protagonists had been “called” and had no choice about serving Kammani. This pissed Abby off, so she stormed to the kitchen to cool down. As she does so, she sees the cookies which are meant to give you your heart’s desire, and decides, fuck it, I could use a handsome prince right about now. So she has a cookie and puts on her iPod and begins to dance — probably a great way to relax.
I will admit, when I googled the song she was listening to, it’s not what I pictured in the least.
It was Otis singing “Try a Little Tenderness” and there was no way she could stand still with that. She ate another cookie and then she began to move, sliding and shuffling and wiggling her hips in the most deliciously naughty way, doing a 360 spin like James Brown
But this sounds like a slow-dance song? I mean, I guess if that’s what gets her gears revving, fine, but I grew up on 80’s music, so if I wanted to cheer up I’d be reaching for something a little faster. Maybe some James Brown:
Or some Ben Harper:
Or if the cookies kicked my sex drive into high gear and I really wanted to feel sensual, maybe some Godsmack (yes, I know that’s a lot more recent, but just listen to those drums and tell me your hips can sit still, I dare you):
Any of which would be plenty embarrassing when Christopher McKenzie walks in and she almost smacks into him dancing around her kitchen. She thrusts the cookies into his hands and tries to get him to leave, but he has to taste one.
And then he closed his eyes as a look of pure, sensual pleasure washed over his face.
That’s not a good sign…
“I’ll need more,” he said, abruptly. “At least another two dozen, to be on the safe side.”
Deciding she could stand some sexuality right now, Abby has another cookie, and before they know it, they’re kissing.
“You have a crumb on your mouth,”
[…]”You can have it if you want.” She expected him to touch her lips, take the crumb away, and the thought was deliciously enticing.
“Yes,” he said. And took it with his mouth.
Which reminds me of one of my favorite foreplay lines, from a fanfic called The Movement of the Earth:
Jacob was observing me neutrally. “Yeah,” he said after a moment. “I’m scared. But you also have a leaf on your head.”
I blinked. “What?”
He pointed. I reached up and felt my hair with my thumb and forefinger, then plucked off a green oak leaf and stared at it wide-eyed.
“It fell when we walked under the tree,” he explained with a small smile. “It was cute. I can’t not kiss you when you have a leaf on your head, Bells. That’s asking way too much of me.”
“Oh,” I said. That was all I could think of to say.
“You have a crumb on your mouth. I can’t not kiss you when you have a crumb on your mouth.” I guess this is supposed to be more sexual and less adorable, but I can’t stop thinking about teh adorbz whenever I reread this passage.
He didn’t kiss like a math professor.
Oh good, because I have no bloody idea what a math professor kisses like, since I’ve never kissed one. I imagine they come as varied as any other type of person, really.
Purple prose time:
He kissed her like she was a dark chocolate and he was a sugar junkie.
Alright, I’ve been a naughty girl and haven’t updated the blog, so for you, dear readers, I will attempt to decipher what the hell that looks like. Ahem:
“We got any more honey cookies. . . ? Oh, hey, doesn’t matter.” Daisy whirled around and was out of the kitchen in a shot
❤ Daisy right now 🙂
Unfortunately, this book suddenly veers into ablism and, er, smart-shaming I guess?
“You know he’s a genius, right?”
“What’s wrong with being a genius? I like smart men and smart dogs.”
“Smart is fine, but Christopher Mackenzie is a whole new category of smart, and I’m not sure it did him any favors socially. He’s like a cross between Good Will Hunting and A Beautiful Mind.“
None of which — NONE OF WHICH — makes him ineligible for kissing, sex, or relationships whatsoever. None of which is wrong or gross or bad or anything like that. I suspect he’s meant to read as being on the autistic spectrum, but as long as both partners are fine with the relationship, there’s no reason he can’t have a perfectly healthy adult relationship with someone. Or be bed partners with someone, if that’s what everyone involved is looking for.
Someone doesn’t understand what’s going on:
“Look, you’re the lust goddess — if you eat the cookies, what you want is going to come for you.”
“I told you, the cookies are defective. All the provide is ill-advised lust.”
Abby, you’re not the True Love Goddess. You’re the Lust goddess. That means yes, the cookies are going to provide pure, unadulterated lust. They’re not Good Sense cookies or Healthy Relationship cookies or Safe And Approachable Guy You Bring Home To Your Parents cookies — if those things appear, it’s only as a side effect of what you’re lusting after. Lust is in the loins, not the heart or the brain.
Bowser is a dog of practicality who believes sex is for procreation:
“No cookies,” Bowser said. “They’re wasted on me. I’ve been fixed.”
Meanwhile, however, the opening of the cafe is going brilliantly. I’ll leave the last page off this chapter and tackle it with Chapter 8, since it’s one of those silly cliffhanger things. Until next time!