Dogs and Goddesses Chapter 7 Part 2: In which this becomes a romance novel

Content note: Frank talk about sex. NSFW

And here I thought I might have miscatagorized this book.

We begin the next section with the Three hanging out in Abby’s kitchen, finishing up cleaning and making cookies while discussing the Kammani situation. Meanwhile, people are lining up outside, desperate to get whatever smells so delicious. Shar tries a cookie and is once again lost into thoughts of sexy, sexy Sam the Mesopotamian God.

And then something clicks. She pulls up her laptop and gives us a brief synopsis of the runes next to each priestess:

Abby: Hunger

Daisy: Chaos

Shar: Finishing

“What, like death?” Daisy said, shocked

“No, that’s Mina.”

Gen: Fertility

Bun: Birth

Vera: Life (Remember, she sells vitamin pills

Mina: Death

They start talking about what powers they have, and apparently I missed it, but Daisy clicking her pen causes things to start happening around her.

“What is she doing?”

“Clicking her magic pen”

Best. Euphamism. Ever.

Seriously, there’s not enough good euphemisms for female masturbation. I’m preferential to “toggling the whammy bar” myself, came up with that one after an extended Guitar Hero session, though “Two-finger typing” isn’t bad except the more you think about it the less sense it makes. Chaos is a fan of unisex euphemisms like “self-service”.

And then. And then this happens.

“You know, that could also be Lust, Sex, and Orgasm”

(Chaos == sex? Some euphemism!)

(oh god. I just. And Chaos goes by Chaos and… I can’t stop laughing, give me a minute!)

(he needs a clicky pen)

SO! They’re three ancient sex gods YAY! Anyway, in a surprisingly realistic turn of events, Shar has never had an orgasm. This makes Daisy so uncomfortable as she struggles to find words to discuss the process of sex that she clicks her pen too much and outside, clothes start flying off as the mob in search of cookies becomes an orgy.

It always kind of annoys me in these books how they’re comfortable having sex but not talking about it. It’s like, the goddess of sex can’t say the word “vibrator” or “dildo” or even “sex toy”? Of course not, this is clean literature for delicate young ladies, it’s not pornography. Same reason Abby can’t admit to liking Christopher in a sex way — you can’t truly love someone you’ve barely met, and all sex has to come along with true love, so you can’t lust after someone you’ve barely met either. Which is patently absurd.

So to make up for it, let’s talk about sex toys!

Here’s what Shar has tried that Daisy won’t name:

“The ones with four D batteries and the ones that plug in and the ones from Japan with the rabbit ears.”

Which honestly sounds like she’s tried a lot of the same thing over and over, so it’s not surprising she’s never had an orgasm if she already knows she can’t come from penetration or penetration + vibration. In my experience, and based on some books I’ve read, it’s harder to come based on penetration than clitoral stimulation; I prefer to masturbate using solely clitoral stimulation for that reason.

I’ve never owned a vibrator that takes D-batteries, to be honest. Most of the ones I’ve bought have been the smaller, “bullet” vibrators that take watch batteries (which run out pretty fast, unfortunately) because I like to slip them into cockrings to enhance partnered sex.

Something like this:

The most popular plug-in model seems to be the Hitachi Magic Wand, which, again, I’ve never used, but it seems to be the same basic principle of penetrate + vibrate:

And of course, there are “rabbit” style vibrators, which she also mentions. They work on the same principle as well, except there’s extra stimulation to the clitoris:


She doesn’t mention if she’s tried cockrings, bullets, egg-shaped vibrators, anal stimulation, nipple stimulation, love balls, spanking, or bondage, however. Even something as simple as extra foreplay might do the trick. These days, if you need help figuring out how to get off, you can just walk into a sex toy shop and ask the associates there, they’re typically glad to help you find something to make you happy.

But of course, she’s going to find out she’s never orgasmed because she’s never had Twu Wuv, because that’s how these books go.

Tune in next week for Abby and Chris’s love troubles and a surprising revelation about Shar’s grandmother!

This entry was posted in Deconstructions, Dogs and Goddesses and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Dogs and Goddesses Chapter 7 Part 2: In which this becomes a romance novel

  1. Firedrake says:

    I think I can sort of understand the objection to frank sex talk. Not agree with, but understand. It’s the last gasp of the pre-contraception generation, in a way. “Darn it, we had to find these things out for ourselves, from magazines and lying friends. These kids who can just talk to a professional about it or look it up on a trustworthy internet site… it’s not right.”

  2. Pingback: Deconstruction Round Up, May 19th, 2013 | The Slacktiverse

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