Easily Amused ch 28-29: In which I lose my cool and swear a lot.

Chapter 28

Mindy arrives to break up the most awkward scene ever.

(We are 74% through this book. I’m going to finish it. Rape-tastic or not, I’m going to finish the book)

“Ryan is unbelievable. Oh my God, he’s funny and smart and really interesting. He’s traveled everywhere. I could have talked to him all night. […] Almost too good to be true. And he’s so incredibly good looking. Like a dream or something. [..] So my question is, how serious are you two? Because I was getting a just-friends vibe.”

You know what, Mindy, you go on and live in your little fantasy world where everyone you want is magically available to you right this instant and your engagement means nothing.

“We’re more than just friends.”

[…] “Oh please, Lola, be serious. You haven’t even slept with him yet.”

OKAY WHAT IS THIS. Is this a thing? Is this a real fucking honest to god thing that what, these people can fucking smell the sex on someone, that they’re suddenly fucking the single arbiter of how serious a relationship is and serious = sex and they can just sniff out the little pheromones that say “nope, no sex here”, or what, is she like permanently marked in indelible ink by the sheer virility of his magical vampire-sperm, so now clearly he means nothing to her because she’s not already knocked up with his dhampir baby WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS EVEN.

“Whatever.” She looked bored. Another one of her tricks. “I don’t even know why you’re getting so bent out of shape about Ryan anyway. He’s not really your type. There’s no way a guy like that would ever be serious about you. Besides, you’ve got old backup Hubert right in the same house with you. From what I saw, you two can go at it like minks in heat when the mood’s right.”

WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN.

HUMANITY. THE FAITH. IT IS GONE. I’M LEAVING YOU FOR TIME LORDS.

“Piper went to pick up the sitter, and I’m trying to get Brandon into his pajamas. I got the bottom and top on no problem, but I can’t get the damn snaps to line up no matter what I do.” […]

“The top’s not on backwards, is it?” You learn a few things when you edit a parenting magazine.

“The top? Wait a minute. […] You were right. It was on backwards.”

WHILE WE’RE AT IT WHAT IS THIS SEXIST BULLSHIT MEN CAN FUCKING OPERATE A BABY THEY’RE NOT THAT FUCKING HARD JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER. STOP IT. NO. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.

My dad always used to have me draw two columns on a sheet of paper when I had a big decision — the pros and cons.

WHAT IS THIS WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR CLICHES WE’RE DRIVING THIS TRAIN INTO FUCKED-UP RAPE TOWN PUT DOWN THE PEN

Sex couldn’t be quantified. It was a decision of the heart.

LOGIC HAS NO PLACE IN RAPETOWN!

“You’re sorry you pushed me away, or you’re sorry you kissed me?”

“Both, really. I’m not sure what happened. Something came over me.”

“Not sure what happened. Something came over you.”

Was there an echo in the room? “I don’t know what else to say, but I’m really sorry and –”

“If you don’t mind, Lola,” he said, shutting the book, “I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. You’ve made your position abundantly clear.”

IT WAS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR BEFORE YOU FORCIBLY ASSAULTED HER YOU DOUCHEBAG YOU DO NOT GET THE EMPATHY FEELS GO AWAY

CHAPTER 29

80%.

Piper and Mike found a babysitter. Piper has had a lot of babysitter troubles. Piper tells Lola about her babysitter troubles. Lola mentions they should run this in the magazine.

“Hey, maybe we can double[-date] with you and Ryan sometime.”

“And then afterwards,” I said, “Ryan and I can go to his house and have sex.”

“What?”

I know that’s not a normal thing to say, but I say shit like that all the time, and I never get an incredulous “what”.

“I can always tell if a dating couple has had sex.”

“You can not.” 

“Yes, I can. There’s just something there. If you’re looking for it, you’ll see it. In fact, my grandmother picked up on it after Mike and I did it.”

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

EW

FUCK.

Were there really sex clues that everyone in the world knew about, except me?

FUCK FUCK FUCK HOW FAR IS IT TO GALLIFREY

“At least give him points for coming up with something creative.”

NO RYAN GETS NONE OF THE POINTS EVER.

“Assuming the sex is great.”

[…] “Oh, it would be,” Piper said assuredly. “He’s so sexy, I felt a little flushed just talking to him.”

BECAUSE PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS IS CLEARLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A GOOD SEX LIFE. THINGS LIKE CARING ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON OR CONSENT OR GENERALLY NOT BEING A DOUCHEBAG ARE TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.

WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE.

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One Response to Easily Amused ch 28-29: In which I lose my cool and swear a lot.

  1. Firedrake says:

    I picture an alternative text where the Forces of Good Sense are about to invade…

    ISTR that the dog-breeding community still regards a bitch who’s mated once with a dog not of the same pedigree as “less good blood” for all future matings. In human-land, that was proved to be rubbish more than a hundred years ago.

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