Easily Amused 18&19

Chapter 18

Lola, upholding company tradition, leaves work early for a fake dentist appointment. And just when I was starting to like Hubert, he decides he has a right to control Lola’s actions. Apparently he asked if she had dinner plans in the morning, and she’d said she didn’t have any, so now he’s upset she’s since made them.

“I thought you wouldn’t mind. I didn’t know you were cooking. If you keep it for tomorrow night, I’m sure it will be delicious reheated. Or if you want to invite someone else over, that’s OK too.”

“I know I could invite someone else over. I wanted you.” He held up his arms like a doctor who’d just scrubbed for surgery.

Boo hoo? Just this past week my team lead decided to take the team out for pizza spontaneously after a big morning meeting. I could have declined so I could eat the lunch Chaos packed for me, but instead I went with the others. Shit happens. We put the lunch into the fridge and I ate it the next day.

Hubert, however, sighs dramatically at the hassle and doesn’t finish  his sentences:

“It’s not the movie,” he said. “What I was really hoping was that–“

Nope. no end in sight.

I left him looking like a kid who’d been abandoned at a bus station.

Passive-aggressive controlling behavior is not romantic.

Lola name-drops her favorite cosmetics brand awkwardly — is this supposed to be some kind of character tip-off? Do women who wear Sephora brand….. something? Is it particularly cheap? Particularly expensive? Particularly trashy? Particularly sensible? Or just paid product placement? She runs down the list of girly stereotypes:

  • Plans to buy more makeup online
  • oh also shoes, girls like shoes
  • and a trip to the mall, girls like malls
  • shopping, fun!
  • Quick, put down your taste in clothes so they don’t think you’re conceited
  • Oh also put down your hair – “I actually looked presentable”, that’ll work
  • OMG WRINKLES! PANIC!
  • Practice poses in the mirror.
  • OMG awks, while you was primping your date arrived and is talking to the platonic love interest

I’ve seen this film before, I’m not interested.

What does interest me is how obvious a jerk Ryan is:

“Hugh and I were having a great time talking, weren’t we?” He turned to Hubert, who looked pained.

Obvious mistake.

“He goes by Hubert,” I said, attempting a bit of damage control.

“Hmm?” Ryan didn’t catch the conversational shift.

“His name. He prefers Hubert.”

Ryan’s face softened.

(is he using moisturizer?)

“What did I say?”

Hubert coughed into his fist. “You called me Hugh.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t believe I did that.”

Okay, good, nice recover–

“But it’s sort of the same thing, isn’t it? Just a shortened version?”

fffffffff nope.

“Sure thing, Ry. Exactly the same thing.” Hubert’s sarcasm startled me. I’d never heard that tone coming from him. In fact, it sounded more like something I might say.

OMG everyone in this book is terrible.

Ryan made a reservation for Thai food. Lola hates Thai. Hubert knows this because he’s known her longer than three days. Lola doesn’t tell Ryan because she’s trying to impress him.  If she wasn’t so delusional about herself it’d be a standard romance cliche:

with Ryan I was determined to be more open-minded. I really needed to learn to be adaptable.

At least she could be honest with herself and admit she’s just trying to make the date go smoothly.

When I was putting on my seat belt, I glanced over at my house and saw Hubert watching us from a gap in the drapes at the front window. I lifted my hand and waved, but I guess he didn’t see me because the drapes dropped shut and then he was gone.

You poor deluded sap. He’s sulking.

 

Chapter 19

The start of chapter 19 marks the 50% point in this book! Thank god. It’s all downhill from here.

While we stood in line to get our tickets for the movie, I had time to admire Ryan properly. It wasn’t just his good looks, which were considerable; it was the whole package.

From standing beside him in line, she can see the whole package, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not just his stunning good looks. It’s also his….. looks… and his looks… and of course his looks…

Or maybe she can see the WHOLE package. damn those are some tight pants.

And what great skin it was–covering all six-feet-plus of his lean physique.

…well I should certainly hope so! What kind of guys has Lola been dating that don’t have skin over their whole outsides!?

Let’s play the “Perfect but not freaky” game! Ryan is:

  • muscular, but not “vein-bulgingly so”
  • handsome, but “not in a Ralph Lauren model way” (because he doesn’t look full of himself apparently)

They go to see a romcom. Was that ever in doubt? Isn’t that always the typical date movie?

Ryan ordered a soft drink for himself: half regular Pepsi and half diet. As soon as he told the girl what he wanted, a shudder went through my body.

Now, you’ll forgive me for assuming this was because his voice was oh-so-sexy, given three paragraphs earlier we were treated to his “shiver-inducing eye contact”, but no, this is foreshadowing:

Half and half was exactly the way Mindy took her cola.

Calling it now: Mindy dumps her groom for Ryan at the disaster of a wedding while Lola and Hubert elope to the block fair.

Speaking of Hubert, it turns out he invited Ryan to stay for chicken and they could go out as a group, but Ryan turned him down.

What was the deal with Hubert trying to horn in on my date?

He’s probably either a, concerned this guy is an axe-rapist or something, or b, this is the kind of book where jealous hoarding is a sign of twu wuv.

ohmygod this book is just so bad you guys you have no idea

“He was reading me the riot act about treating you right.”

Apparently the previews for this movie are fantastic, since Lola takes time out of her busy schedule of swooning over Ryan to tell us they’re wonderful. You guys, you guys, this is so exciting, they’re holding hands, that’s like, third base right? Right? I’m going to puke I swear to god. 

I wondered what it would feel like to be married to Ryan.

You guys she’s like, already doodled over half her notebook, Mrs Ryan Moriarty, and it’s like, the best name ever!

At one point, [Mike] had even left the room [while Piper was giving birth], saying he couldn’t stand seeing her face during contractions. Piper thought it was funny — the whole “men are such babies” thing — but I was appalled. He left the room? What a jerk. I wouldn’t even want a baby with a guy who wasn’t going to be there for me.

It’s all about you, isn’t it, Lola? That’s why she’s married to him and you’re not. Personally, ever since I had one really painful filling (four shots of anesthetic and I still felt it), I won’t let  Chaos sit in the waiting room at the dentist just in case because I don’t want him to hear me cry out in pain because I know he hates when I’m in pain and he can’t help.

oh god what am I going to do about the whole having babies thing. 

Oh hey, but none of that matters because Ryan the Perfect Chosen One would make “beautiful babies”, and beautiful is all that matters with babies. And babies are all that matter with husbands. So it’s a match made in heaven!

I saw beautiful people involved in humorous, implausible situations

You and me both, Lola darling.

Touch deprevation, [a doctor Lola had interviewed] had said, was an epidemic in America. At the time I’d agreed that yes, never being hugged or caressed, or having sex for that matter, was a sad thing indeed. It was only later that I realized fit into that category.

Touch was one of the things I missed most when I lived alone overseas. Not even sex really, just touch. When I feel down or sleepy or just restless, I usually find myself indulging in innocent touch with Chaos – petting his arm, chewing on his hand (we’re a little strange), cuddling.

Me and eight-year-old ladies with names like Mabel and Cora had more in common than I’d like to admit.

But what do I know, I’m apparently eighty. WTF? Loneliness is not a rare, special disease for only you, Bunny darling.

OMG CLIFFHANGER! Mindy and Chad are standing RIGHT BEHIND THEM!

I don’t fucking care. 

 

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12 Responses to Easily Amused 18&19

  1. Firedrake says:

    I am planning to steal “axe-rapist”. The sort of boogeyman rapist who leaps out with threats of violence, as opposed to the (rather more usual, I suspect) sort whom the victim already knows.

    My policy on names is always to use the one you give me. If you say “hi, I’m David”, I’ll call you “David”, not “Dave” – similarly in email, if you sign yourself “Stephen” I’ll write to you as that rather than “Steven”. It doesn’t seem like a terribly hard thing to do. But I know people who don’t, and almost always they’re unpleasant in other ways too…

    • yamikuronue says:

      I could see doing it once. Maybe he knows a Hugh from before and his brain automatically went to the short form. But once he’s been told, it’s now his obligation to make sure he doesn’t screw up again. Definitely not start making excuses for “It’s the same thing” @.@

      • JenL says:

        I’m wondering if we’re supposed to assume that Ryan didn’t bother to actually listen when Hubert introduced himself. He heard “You must be Ryan. I’m Hu…blah blah yadda yadda .”

  2. JenL says:

    Hmmm. So, Lola thinks of Mindy when Ryan orders his drink, and then Mindy appears just a couple hours later? Are we supposed to infer that Mindy is the devil?

  3. Jarred H says:

    Ryan made a reservation for Thai food. Lola hates Thai.

    Okay, this is something that bothers me about Ryan. I think Thai food is absolutely yummy, but I would never spring it on a date (let alone a first date) without first making sure it’s something the other guy is into (or open too). In fact, if I’m planning a dinner date, I usually start by asking him, “Hey, what kind of foods do you like?”

    Hubert knows this because he’s known her longer than three days.

    More jealousy-motivated passive-aggressive behavior from Hubert? Not really surprising.

    Or maybe she can see the WHOLE package. damn those are some tight pants.

    I was going to say, “If she can see it from the rear, I’d say it’s pretty impressive package too.” Then i reread and realized you said she was standing beside him, not behind him.

    They go to see a romcom. Was that ever in doubt? Isn’t that always the typical date movie?

    Um, hooray for being a gay man? My last date movie was…..The Tourist. My one ex and I tended to go see action movies.

    I wondered what it would feel like to be married to Ryan.

    On a first date? I’m a bit squicked.

    chewing on his hand (we’re a little strange),

    This is kinda cute, actually. Totally with you on the importance of touch, by the way.

  4. Omskivar says:

    chewing on his hand (we’re a little strange)

    Considering that my husband’s idea of flirting with me used to be randomly biting my shoulder, and that we have a thing we call polar bear kisses (“Polar bears don’t bite – they maul!” *OM NOM NOM delicious shoulder*), I find it more cute than strange. Or maybe we’re just weird too.

    I actually find the babies thing more creepy than the marriage thing. I can see idly considering if a date would be potential marriage material, if that’s what you’re looking for (or at least keeping an eye out for deal-breaker behavior), but imagining the beautiful children you’ll have together when you haven’t even kissed him? Creepy. Really, really creepy.

  5. smilodon says:

    For a single moment, I misread the text to imply his package was six feet.

  6. smilodon says:

    I would never see a romcom on an early date. Odds are high that he won’t enjoy it, and I’ll spend my time worrying about his feelings instead of having a good time.
    (After two years of dating, I can say “you’ll enjoy how happy this movie makes me, I’ll smile and laugh and all those happy things.” That’s not a first date statement.) But lola doesn’t have any concern for other’s feelings to worry about.

    • yamikuronue says:

      See, I never really went on movie dates, so I just kind of assumed you were meant to see romcoms because it’s all sappy and romantic so it makes you feel all romancy. Chaos and I prefer comic book movies, but we didn’t go out to movies at first until we knew what we both liked.

      • smilodon says:

        But…romcoms make you feel romantic logic is as convoluted as horror movies make your girlfriend scared, so turn to you for comfort logic. See a movie you both like just seems like a better, more mature plan.
        I bet the romcom is because he’s trying to impress her, though. It’ll turn out to all be a lie soon.

        • Firedrake says:

          smilodon, I do very much agree with your point, but as it turned out I first read your first sentence in a slightly different way (it’s early in the morning here). “Romcoms make you feel [that] romantic logic is as convoluted as [a very convoluted thing]”… well yes, they do! Men in romcoms do things that would get any real-world man turned down and probably arrested, and (some) women say “oh, it’s so romantic that he’d do that”… even though they’d (quite rightly!) be the people calling the cops if someone actually did it to them.

          I think that the distinction is one of approach speed. If one’s trying to set up a romantic relationship (whether it’s the traditional male-pursuer or not), there needs to be a gradual increase in emotional attachment (note that I’m not talking about a purely sexual relationship, which IME complicates things no end if one wants a romance with the same person). If I’ve known someone for for a few months and there’s a big bundle of flowers on her doorstep for her birthday, that might be quite a nice thing; if we first got chatting last night and I sent her a big bundle of flowers this morning, that’s creepy.

          But guys in romcoms get away with this stuff – and I think that it’s because the audience already knows (by narrative implication) that they’re The Right Guy, so they’re already rooting for the hero and heroine to get together. It reminds me of some fandoms, where subgroups will have decided that a particular character in a long-running series is Good or Bad, and will interpret everything he does through that lens even if his actual actions, viewed neutrally, are quite the opposite.

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