That’s right, boys and girls. It’s Bridezilla time!
How to become a bridezilla in 5 easy steps:
1. Ignore all input from your family and friends:
“No, I won’t love it,” I said. “Do not do this.”
“It’ll be great,” Mindy said, as if I hadn’t spoken.
You know what you want, and it’s your day, right? So just go ahead and force everyone to comply. They’ll be thanking you later, when they see how beautiful the pictures are and how incredibly happy you are with your special day, staring you and you alone.
2. Use guilt and emotional manipulation to pressure nonconformists
“I knew we shouldn’t have told her about the cake ahead of time. I just knew she’d get this way.” She sighed and folded her hands primly in her lap, and then she gave me a studied look. “You don’t really want to ruin this for me, do you, Lola? You said I could planmy wedding any way I wanted, and this is what I want.”
Anyone who tries to tell you ‘no’ is just trying to ruin your perfect dream wedding. If they really loved you, they’d do everything you said just as you said it, right? So just remind them that you’re the most important person in this family and that they should all be breaking their backs bending over backward for you and things’ll work out well.
3. Humiliate your wedding party
“This stops being about your wedding once you drag my birthday into it. Then it’s about me, and […] I have no intention of having two hundred people, most of whom I barely know, singing to me.”
[…] “How embarrassed can you be?”
Embarrassment? What could be more embarrassing than you not getting your every wish? Don’t bother with anyone else’s feelings, just steamroll right over them. That’ll help remind them that on your special day, you’re the queen and they’re merely peons hired to dance for your amusement.
4. Whine and cry when you don’t get your way
Mindy twisted her hands and exhaled dramatically. “Why is it so hard for you to just go along?”
“Party pooper,” Mindy said. “No-fun Lola strikes again.”
Don’t be afraid to reach for the most powerful tools in your arsenal: whining and crying and sighing dramatically. After all, getting your way is the most. important. thing. Dignity doesn’t even enter into it.
5. Don’t forget to flaunt your married status
“Grow up, Mindy.”
“Oh, I am grown up, thank you very much.” She held up her left hand and wiggled her ring finger so the light glinted off the diamond. “I’m the one getting married, remember?”
You’re getting married. That’s only the most important thing a woman could ever do, ever. If someone who’s not married tries to tell you what you want, remind them that they’re merely an inferior specimen, a woman who can’t even catch a man. How dare they presume to even speak in your presence?
Thankfully, Lola does end up winning the confrontation via the classic standby: My house, my rules or GTFO.
“I don’t want to be rude,” I said, grabbing her wedding brochures and stuffing them back into the bag, “but you really have to go now.”
“I’m not done with my wine yet,” Jessica protested
[…] I jerked the glass out of her hand and took a long swig of the Fat Bastard. […]
“She drank my wine,” Jessica said, incredulous.
Yes she did. And she kicked you and her sister out, too. Score one for the judgmental bitch.