On life

I got nothing but excuses for you all today; the pre-written decons I had been leaning on have run out. So let me tell you how my life has been going.

A little over a week ago, we moved. It should have been a simple arrangement; we moved a grand total of three blocks, we had a rented uhaul truck, and we only had the contents of our measly one-bedroom apartment to move. Plus, we had three guys and me. Well you know how that started out, complete with my self-loathing at being fucking crippled and thus unable to help. They tell me I did a lot  more than expected, that I helped out more than they thought possible, that I should be proud of myself. But I know I spent most of the weekend sitting down. I had to; by midway through Saturday, my knees were killing me.

Flutterguy pushed himself too hard and brought on another episode of his medical condition (I find out a week later). Every time I turned around, Kae was being smacked by some other unwieldy piece of furniture, and was so stiff by Sunday morning he could barely move. Even Chaos, who is built like an ox and never complains, got some nasty cramping in the middle of moving the sofa (or was it the dresser?). My knees were sore, big whoop. I should have done more. We were clearly not enough. And it sounds like Depression talking to say that, but at the same time, I made the decisions, I called the shots, I organized everything and assigned duties and decided when we took breaks and cajoled everyone back into motion at the end of them. So my actions directly led to my friends being hurt. And now everything’s still in boxes but I can’t bring myself to keep pushing them after that fiasco.

Today, Ana writes about her experiences with Depression. I’ve been accused of being depressed before. I’ve been put on medication as well, though not antidepressants. I’ve seen enough shrinks to have developed a phobia of them, so I can’t exactly get confirmation, but… I don’t think I have Depression. I mean, clinical depression is when your brain chemicals are out of whack and you start feeling like shit for no reason, right? I always have a reason. I’ve been bullied, I’ve been emotionally abused, and my brain lapses into patterns it developed as a defense mechanism against those things sometimes. But acknowledging that there’s no reason to feel that way helps me, so it can’t just be a brain chemistry thing, right? I have trouble controlling my emotions, so it makes sense that I don’t just snap out of it, but without any professional help I’ve managed to turn my life around. So I’m not depressed, so to speak. I just have a ton of guilt thanks to the way my life has turned out recently.

Plus I’m not feeling well physically. I haven’t slept well since the move (I think it’s the heat, I used to have AC in the bedroom but now the only unit for the whole house is in Kae’s room and he sleeps with his door shut) and my wisdom teeth coming in has lead to difficulty eating and I can barely breathe thanks to all the dust stirred up and brought into the new place by the move (I’m using my inhaler again :/ ) and my brain hates, HATES, that trapped feeling I get when the house is full of stuff everywhere and I can hardly walk and it’s all MESS and CLUTTER…

Well I never said I didn’t have anxiety or OCD or a type-A personality, just not depression.

Anyway, so I can’t walk, eat, sleep, or breathe. So basically I’ve got nothing. A brain in a jar would be better off than me — at least then I wouldn’t be in PAIN all the time. And now I’m daydreaming about putting my brain in a jar in a giant robot walker thing, that’d be totally badass and way more fun than this stupid broken body of mine.

So yeah, I have no deconstruction posts. Which is nothing new, I also haven’t scheduled a doctor’s appointment or called the student loan place despite having those on my to-do list for almost a week now. But at least I’m not spending time whining at those chores instead of doing them.

I should go get started on work now. Flutterguy’ll be in any minute and then we’ve got refactoring to do.

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6 Responses to On life

  1. Smilodon says:

    Hugs from the internet.

    As for the clutter – maybe this is too much right now, but is it possible to move boxes so that there is a single space in the house that is clutter-free? Maybe just a corner with a desk, or some part of the kitchen, or the front porch? How I deal with move-induced overwhelmedness is to find (or make) a place where I can sit down and where I cannot see the mess. Then I sit there with a cup of tea and read until I don’t feel so overwhelmed. Right now, my closet is full of boxes because I cannot deal with emptying them, and I cannot deal with looking at them. So I close the closet door and hide them. It might be months before I go through them, but it doesn’t matter, because I don’t have to look at them.

    • yamikuronue says:

      We have a breakfast nook filled with boxes since there’s not a table to put in it yet. Unfortunately, that’s right next to the couch. Plus stuff is still missing (like our iron, I’m almost out of clean shirts and the laundry needs ironing badly)

      • Smilodon says:

        I don’t mean to intrude with constant advice – I really don’t mean to say “I, internet person, know how to live your life” – but I’ve been in my own version of what you’re describing, and I can tell you how I’ve coped. One other thing I do when I cannot deal with all the work is that I make a handwritten list. It helps me because it’s a physical task, so it takes some of the “but I’m not dealing with the problem” away. I’m doing something about the problem, dammit, I’m MAKING A LIST. And it helps because I don’t have to think all the time about the tasks I’m not doing so as to not forget them, they’re right there on the list. Then I either put the list away, take a break and try to relax, or I find the tiniest, most managable thing on the list, and do that. Last night I cut the flowers off the herbs so they’d keep growing. Perhaps “cooking food so there was something to eat other than cereal” was higher priority, but I’m not made of doing things.

        • yamikuronue says:

          Don’t worry about it 🙂

          I love lists. Lists are the best thing ever invented. Flutterguy and Kae make fun of me being like Twilight Sparkle with her clipboard (she made a list of steps she’d need to prepare to make a list), but I simply cannot keep everything in my head that’s important. I’ve started moving to apps on my phone so I don’t have to hunt down a working pen. I also adore delegating, but that’s where things start to break down. I’ll make a list of chores, delegate the ones I know I won’t get to, and then… at the end of the day, none of it’s done, because all the stupid little life things keep popping up and by the time I’m done with those it’s bedtime @.@

          • Smilodon says:

            That description of Twilight Sparkle sounds like me. I mean, I will write a shopping list on a piece of paper towel that starts with “Paper (for more lists)”. Or I will scratch into the paper “Pen that actually works”. An app wouldn’t be the same for me, though. I like handwriting.

            I also like to break tasks into tiny bites so that I’ll be guaranteed to have something to tick off the list. Right now, I’ve put “figure out uncertainty calculations” and “do uncertainty calculations” as seperate tasks on the list, so that I’ll get to cross things off more quickly. Of course, I leave anything I’m not actually going to do as one task. Then I can cross off most of the list in a single day, nevermind that “Clean and tidy the house” is a single item, and “look after the potted plants” is divided into three separate tasks. It’s my list. I do what I want.

            • Firedrake says:

              Can’t speak for anyone else… but I at least find that even when I’m doing this sort of trick, and even when I know I’m doing tricks, I still manage to fool myself into getting stuff done. So insofar as I can advise at all, I’d say “always include some things you can tick off easily, and break up the hard things into at-least-vaguely-doable things”.

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