I got nothing but excuses for you all today; the pre-written decons I had been leaning on have run out. So let me tell you how my life has been going.
A little over a week ago, we moved. It should have been a simple arrangement; we moved a grand total of three blocks, we had a rented uhaul truck, and we only had the contents of our measly one-bedroom apartment to move. Plus, we had three guys and me. Well you know how that started out, complete with my self-loathing at being fucking crippled and thus unable to help. They tell me I did a lot more than expected, that I helped out more than they thought possible, that I should be proud of myself. But I know I spent most of the weekend sitting down. I had to; by midway through Saturday, my knees were killing me.
Flutterguy pushed himself too hard and brought on another episode of his medical condition (I find out a week later). Every time I turned around, Kae was being smacked by some other unwieldy piece of furniture, and was so stiff by Sunday morning he could barely move. Even Chaos, who is built like an ox and never complains, got some nasty cramping in the middle of moving the sofa (or was it the dresser?). My knees were sore, big whoop. I should have done more. We were clearly not enough. And it sounds like Depression talking to say that, but at the same time, I made the decisions, I called the shots, I organized everything and assigned duties and decided when we took breaks and cajoled everyone back into motion at the end of them. So my actions directly led to my friends being hurt. And now everything’s still in boxes but I can’t bring myself to keep pushing them after that fiasco.
Today, Ana writes about her experiences with Depression. I’ve been accused of being depressed before. I’ve been put on medication as well, though not antidepressants. I’ve seen enough shrinks to have developed a phobia of them, so I can’t exactly get confirmation, but… I don’t think I have Depression. I mean, clinical depression is when your brain chemicals are out of whack and you start feeling like shit for no reason, right? I always have a reason. I’ve been bullied, I’ve been emotionally abused, and my brain lapses into patterns it developed as a defense mechanism against those things sometimes. But acknowledging that there’s no reason to feel that way helps me, so it can’t just be a brain chemistry thing, right? I have trouble controlling my emotions, so it makes sense that I don’t just snap out of it, but without any professional help I’ve managed to turn my life around. So I’m not depressed, so to speak. I just have a ton of guilt thanks to the way my life has turned out recently.
Plus I’m not feeling well physically. I haven’t slept well since the move (I think it’s the heat, I used to have AC in the bedroom but now the only unit for the whole house is in Kae’s room and he sleeps with his door shut) and my wisdom teeth coming in has lead to difficulty eating and I can barely breathe thanks to all the dust stirred up and brought into the new place by the move (I’m using my inhaler again ) and my brain hates, HATES, that trapped feeling I get when the house is full of stuff everywhere and I can hardly walk and it’s all MESS and CLUTTER…
Well I never said I didn’t have anxiety or OCD or a type-A personality, just not depression.
Anyway, so I can’t walk, eat, sleep, or breathe. So basically I’ve got nothing. A brain in a jar would be better off than me — at least then I wouldn’t be in PAIN all the time. And now I’m daydreaming about putting my brain in a jar in a giant robot walker thing, that’d be totally badass and way more fun than this stupid broken body of mine.
So yeah, I have no deconstruction posts. Which is nothing new, I also haven’t scheduled a doctor’s appointment or called the student loan place despite having those on my to-do list for almost a week now. But at least I’m not spending time whining at those chores instead of doing them.
I should go get started on work now. Flutterguy’ll be in any minute and then we’ve got refactoring to do.