I can’t seem to focus today. So, babbling away.
Snow snow snow snow snow! Lots of snow. I slid about six times in my car, not to mention the faceplant I did trying to clear my car off. So much for my plans to spraypaint on the deck this weekend.
I don’t know what to think about my new morning brew. It’s… an adventure. There are so many flavors happening all at once I don’t know how I feel yet. I’ll have to drink more of it to find out.
The caffeine is nice, though 😀
I’m finding more and more loose ends the more I go through it. I kept throwing out ideas early in the Nano process, trying to decide what it was going to become, and now I have to trim out many of them. One thing that surprises me is how gosh-darn adorable John can be! I meant to write him like Dresden or Taylor, one of those tough private-eye types, but he keeps being surprisingly childish and cute when I least expect it. I’m leaving all that in, though. I like when characters surprise me.
Religion and Spirituality
I never really felt like a Christian. Even as a little child, I couldn’t reconcile the ten commandments with my thoughts and feelings. I was sure Jesus and God were staring down at me, scowling angrily, anticipating my trip to hell, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to “repent” of my failure to honor my mother. Respect, I felt, was something you earned, not something given to you because of your situation. (I felt the same way about people raising my mother onto a pedestal for being a single mom – it’s not the circumstance of being alone in raising children that is worthy of respect, it’s how you cope with the situation you’re in, and nobody ever noticed how badly she treated us behind closed doors). I couldn’t agree with a commandment that insisted that my parents were worthy of respect no matter what they said or did just by giving birth to me. Anyone (or almost anyone) can create life, it’s how you treat that life that determines who you are.
As a teenager, I officially came out as a pagan. I felt like I had a very close relationship with the supernatural, but… honestly I can’t really discuss much of what happened here in a little musing and I don’t feel ready to go into a longer post. It helped me at the time, it was what I thought I needed, but ultimately it became too difficult to separate the chaos and instability in my life from my religious beliefs. Unable to trust how much of what I experienced was externally verifiable versus how much was occurring in my own mind, I abandoned my religious practices.
I suppose I’m an atheist now. I don’t really believe in deities as we normally define them, but I can’t stop myself from believing in a supernatural even when I know my reasons for believing are probably just brain malfunctions rather than truly real. So I ignore anything that doesn’t affect my daily life in a directly observable way and focus on the more pressing issues. It’s not healthy but it’s better than I was, which is basically becoming a mantra for me lately.
I think I’m going to start vlogging again periodically, mostly because it’s hard to talk about music without involving youtube somehow. I’ll link them here if I do manage to get any made.