I did subtitle this blog “the musings of Yami”, so let’s muse, shall we?
Generation Gap: Handwriting
My coworkers are all substantially older than me, and in a different stage of life. This has led to some interesting difficulties bonding with them from time to time, though I’m managing slowly.
The other day I mentioned that “my handwriting is awful”. The reply I got was “I usually have to resort to printing if I want anyone to be able to read it.” Oh. Um.
When I say “handwriting” I mean “something written out by hand”, regardless of script. This seems to be typical for my generation, which uses the term “cursive” to mean “dem fancy writings as which we only use to sign for things”. Someone a couple generations older, however, would use “handwriting” to mean “Writing things properly” and “printing” to mean “Cheating and writing things like they appear in books”. This might also have regional differences involved, but mostly I’ve heard the latter from people my dad’s age and the former from people my age.
I’m in favor of replacing the emphasis on cursive with typing at an early age and only introducing cursive later as a secondary concern. I suspect the bulk of voters would not.
“If you loved me, you would have left me before you ever met me!”
The above line, from the awful film version of Blood and Chocolate, is often quoted by my DP as “the worst line ever written”. He loves to rant about how it “makes no goddamn sense”, grammatically or logically, and segues into how Hollywood is full of untalented hacks who butcher anything they touch. The usual rant.
What really gets ME about the line, however, isn’t so much the dubious logicality of it (the man was upset when he uttered it) as the utter unfairness of it. She spent the first half of the film telling him to stop following her, not to get involved, not to try and date her, he doesn’t know what he’s dealing with. Typical Hollywood male protagonist that he is, he pushes and insists that she “give [him] a chance”. So she does. And he ends up being chased by her werewolf kin. How is it fair to blame her for not doing exactly what she did for half the film?
There’s probably some gender issues here. Of course it’s her fault. She’s the woman. It’s always her fault. Bah. Hollywood. Who needs them.
Names (TW: Self esteem issues)
I don’t like my name. I never have, really. I’d have changed it long ago except that by the time I was old enough to seriously consider it, no other name really felt like mine. I mean, you’re called something your whole life, it starts to feel like you, ya know? Which is probably part of the problem because I have self-esteem issues which is a fancy way of saying I have a tendency not to like myself, which would explain why I don’t like my name. Or possibly it goes back to playground teasing when they’d use my name like a dirty word, complete with nose-wrinkle. But I digress.
I’m going to be publishing some novels soon. Putting my name on them in big bold print would feel like an embarrassment. How can this person with this stupid name have written a novel? How can I take a novel seriously when it’s got such a stupid name on it? Publishing as myself doesn’t seem real to me. Bayley G can’t possibly have written a novel. That’s absurd. She’s an overweight teenager with mental issues, how can she possibly do anything useful?
I can do useful things, of course. I have a Master’s degree (with Distinction!) from a British university despite being American, I’ve written several pieces that are probably good enough to publish, I have a full-time job, l work on open-source projects, I can create and manage websites, I run a server in my living room and host minecraft parties and bake and sew and knit… I’m perfectly capable. But I don’t like to see my name attached to the things I do. They feel cheaper somehow. I don’t know, this is all probably something I should see someone about.
Anyway, what I don’t mind is seeing Yami Kuronue attached to the things I’ve done. Yami feels more like my name than Bayley does. I still answer to Bayley (or Bay, that at least sounds trendy and kind of cool), but it’s as Yami, my online persona, that I really feel like myself. Does that make sense? Maybe it’s just that for so long the pleasurable parts of my life have been lived online under the pseudonym that I’d rather be known as Yami than Bayley.
But I’m going to be publishing some novels. At first it seemed a no-brainer: I’d publish under an assumed name and the problem would go away. But I’m distinctly not Japanese. And there are words for people who use gratuitous Japanese without being so and none of them are pleasant. As people have pointed out on various forums, what happens when I go to do a book signing or something and I don’t match my name? Any other pseudonym comes with the same issues as a name change: it won’t feel like me anymore.
I begin to wonder if the problem has a solution at all.
Some sources I read online this past week suggest trying to get a post up every day to keep people coming back. I don’t have all that large an audience and having a large audience kind of scares me, but I like the idea of making an effort to get something up every day. Most of the people in my reader manage it. Maybe then I’ll get more comfortable opening up about myself a little. After all, look at what came out when I decided to just blather on about random crap.
Oh yeah. I used to vlog. I should maybe link those and maybe pick it up again. It was much easier when I lived alone, though. I’m kind of shy about talking to a camera when anyone can see me. I want to be sure that the final product is acceptable before anyone else sees it. I don’t get much alone time anymore. Hmm.