Been a long time, hasn’t it? Sorry about that. When we last left off, Hubert was just leaving his home, having been kicked out by his abusive ex-girlfriend and having nowhere to go but Lola’s home. Lola, meanwhile, was snarking at Piper for not being helpful enough according to her standards (and can I just say, an extra fuck her, especially since between the last post I wrote and this one I had to be the unhelpful person in a difficult move and it fucking sucks bad enough without someone judging you all day).
Lola hit a red light, so Piper and Hubert are unpacking before she arrives. Piper is “tossing boxes out of the van with the fury of a St Bernard digging for avalanche victims” — apparently she’s in a hurry to get home because the baby’s awake. Which leads to this prime Lola snark:
Oh, so that was it. Stop the presses. Alert the media. The baby is awake. God forbid Mike should have to deal with his own kid for once. His hands-off approach to fatherhood didn’t seem to bother Piper
Protip: If neither parent involved is bothered by the division of labor, butt the fuck out. It’s not your business, Lola.
Also, is it just me, or is Lola jealous of the baby?
When I tried explaining my frustration to my mother, she just laughed and said I’d get my friend back eventually. Babies were a full-time job, she said, as if I didn’t know that.
Yeah, definitely getting displaced older sibling vibes.
Anyway, Piper is being careless with the books, so Lola and Hubert try to get her to slow down a little in case she breaks anything. Of course, the minute Lola speaks up, Hubert changes his tune to get her to lay off. Maybe Hubert is as weak-willed as he is because he grew up next to Lola, having to manage her temper at every turn?
More snarkiness about people’s bodies:
[Hubert's] lankiness gave the hug an odd look — like a mother giraffe leaning over to nuzzle her baby.
Hubert offers to repay the favor however Piper might need. Piper offers to do lunch “sometime”, which Lola snarks at: “Sometime was a safe bet”.
Hubert, who if you recall is more friendly with the neighbors than Lola is, decides to ask the neighbors if they have a dolly or anything the pair can borrow to help get his boxes inside.
I really really wish we weren’t in Lola’s head.
Then the door opened and a hand beckoned him in. Oh great. Now that he’d been absorbed into the Cho clan, there was no telling when he’d be back.
It’s like she’s the personification of those little nasty thoughts you have when you’ve had the longest day ever and you hate everyone and just want to be alone so you can get some sleep and some food and feel like a human being again. Except she’s like that all the time.
Chaos: “Even you’re not like that all the time!”
I… wut. Am I like that most of the time?! Oh god, I’m Lola aren’t I….
Anyway, back on track….
Lola has phone messages! The block party was moved up because it’s going to be a fundraiser for a child with leukemia.
My first thought was for poor little Derek. Leukemia, what a bite.
Is that a soul!?
My second thought was that date was my birthday, which was a fine reason to skip the block party. I would write a nice check for the little guy and be done with it.
Meh. No longer impressed.
The second message is from Lola 2: Bride of Lola:
“Lola? This is Mindy. If you’re there, pick up.” Long pause. “Well, I can’t imagine where you’d be on a Saturday afternoon.”
Wow. Mindy is inviting her last minute to a wedding exhibit at the fair to look at dresses, which is only open for the next fifteen minutes. She then calls again, with this to say:
“I’m thinking because your cell is turned off that you’re probably home and just pulling that antisocial crap you do, so we’re swinging by to pick you up.”
Push AND mean, and her meanness is said out loud instead of internal narration. If there’s anyone Lola deserves to be stuck with for a day or two, it’s her sister. Case in point:
I didn’t want to be involved int he decision-making part of Mindy’s wedding-o-rama [...] She’d asked my opinion on everything from champagne toasts to place cards, and I told her repeatedly that anything she picked out was fine by me.
Okay, as the bride for an upcoming wedding, let me just say that this shit is hard. It’s difficult and time consuming and overwhelming and you end up tapping every resource you have (case in point: Kae, my man of honor, is going out with me this weekend for makeup consultant and manicures). If I had a sister, you bet your ass I’d be trying to tap her as a resource.
One of the staff editors at the parenting magazine (This woman edits for a PARENTING magazine jesus christ she tells new parents how to handle their babies like is there anything more disturbing than that) called in sick, and even I have to admit the call sounds totally bogus.
When the newspaper created this spin-off parenting tabloid (mostly for additional advertising opportunities) [...] Much of the content was advertising disguised as articles
Oh thank god the readership is likely small. Anyway, one staff editor is flaky and the other is unprofessional (but so nice and makes brownies). I don’t find myself caring too much about this rendition of The Hundred Plagues of Lola
My family joked about the irony of me, a single female with no prospects, working for a parenting magazine. I was a little hurt that at age twenty-nine they’d already written me off.
No offense, Lola, but I doubt it’s your age so much as your incredibly acerbic personality.
Hubert came through the door, followed by Brother Jasper, Ben Cho, and two other young Asian men. They all carried boxes. I was beginning to see a pattern here.
Shallow, poorly-written characters that are namedropped more than developed? Because that’s all I’m coming up with that isn’t racist…
Lola takes the opportunity to beg off the block party. Jasper is nice about it.
Hubert shoos Lola away to take her bath so she’ll calm down. He’s apparently the second coming of Christ, since he works a bloody miracle:
I felt a flush of shame at my own selfishness
However, even Jesus can only do so much:
but that didn’t stop me from wanting to take him up on his offer.
Hubert even offers to put her car in the garage for her:
I knew in that moment I’d lost control of my house and my life
… is it over yet?
Oh good, chapter’s done. Peace out.