I’ll admit it: the idea of pregnancy freaks me out, kind of a lot. I don’t like my body doing things I don’t intend it to do, I don’t like mess, I don’t like pain, I don’t like being hormonal. So when I saw an article entitled “29 Unexpectedly Awesome Things About Being Pregnant” come across my facebook wall, I was intrigued. Would it help me feel better about the possibility of one day becoming pregnant?
I should have known better.
1. You get to tell people!
I get to tell my boss all about how little work I’ll be getting done and/or leaving the company, tell my mother and grandmother so they can instantly take over my life and start planning every microsecond of my baby’s future, tell my male friends so they can start the process of feeling weird around me early… yay?
In most cases this is joyous news, and the reactions are incredibly positive and heartening
I’ll believe that when I see it, I guess. I mean, having a lot of people be happy for me would be nice, but as people around me start having babies I see a lot of “I have no idea how to react to this” reactions in my peers who aren’t at that stage of life yet.
2. Your breasts look amazing.
Bitch please. My breasts are already amazing.
AAH NO DO NOT WANT. Did you know there’s such thing as a fucking M-cup? MY BRAS CAN BE WORN AS A HAT! THEY GET BIGGER?! Perish the thought!
3. Everyone is nice to you.
From your partner to strangers on the subway, it’s like your belly causes an allergic reaction of pleasantness from everyone you encounter.
Except for the part where people feel like they can touch you without asking, or pester you with nosy, intrusive questions, or whatnot.
4. Two words: stretchy pants
….huh? What’s so great about stretchy pants?
5. You get sneak peaks of the little person inside of you.
OMFG IT’S MOVING!
AAH SHIT IT’S MOVING. That just. I. Creepy!
6. Your skin glows.
11. Your hair is amazing
16. You grow long, strong nails.
First of all, way to reinforce the stereotype that being pretty is the most important thing to a woman. Secondly, every woman’s body reacts differently to hormones; some people break out with acne or whatnot.
7. People take great care of you.
Everyone wants to fluff your pillow, bring you a drink, massage your feet — let them look after you before you have to start looking after a baby.
Again, that would be super. But I don’t get that sort of treatment when I’m sore, exhausted, or ill, so I don’t expect everyone to change personalities when I get pregnant.
8. Feeling the baby move.
It’s sort of like that famous scene from Alien, but in the best possible way
AAAAAH HOLY SHIT WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.
9. You have a built-in table
Yeah that’d scare the piss out of me. I’d be scared I’d drop things and/or hurt myself and/or hurt the baby doing that.
10. You can daydream about the future
I do that now. Ahh, it’ll be a sweet day when I start getting paychecks again….
12. You get to keep secrets — or blab them
Gulp. You mean I have info that everyone wants and I have to decide if I want to stand up to them or say and what if something changes like I change my name picks or the baby turns out to be intersexed or something and now I have to retract the previous information and who do I tell and who should I avoid telling and what if someone is going to blab to someone who doesn’t know so I exclude them and….
13. You become a better breakdancer.
AAAH SHIT NEVER EVER DO THAT OKAY my uterus hurts watching that.
14. You are eating to GAIN weight
I do not even care about that. I don’t curtail my body’s needs in an attempt to get it to eat itself so I fit some random cultural standard of beauty, so I don’t expect that to change when I get pregnant
15. Your dreams are crazy
Hormones + increased need for sleep = craziest acid-free trip ever
You know what happens when I have caffeine before bed? I have vivid, terrifying nightmares. So thanks, article, for giving me something ELSE to worry about.
17. You have an awesome prop for sight gags
OK, that could be kind of cool I guess. I’ll have to come up with some maternity-friendly costumes to make or something…
18. You get to shop till you drop
Shopping for maternity clothes, shopping for baby supplies, so much shopping!
I hate shopping. It’s tiresome and draining and exhausting and I rarely feel good about myself after shopping for clothes. I do enjoy online shopping though, so that should make it more bearable.
19. Napping is practically required
I hate naps, I always wake up feeling more exhausted than before, plus I miss out on life happening around me while I’m busy sleeping.
20. You get to decorate a nursery
Not super big on interior decorating either, though it could be fun. Depends I guess.
21. The sex is amazing
OK, that sounds good.
22. You get to track your growing bump
This is a fun thing? Like, this is a thing people find fun? I don’t understand. How? Why?
23. You have an excuse for everything
Which means I’ll stress out over not using it as an excuse for everything and then not rest when I need to because I’m worried about being seen as lazy and my husband will fight with me about it. That’s pretty much what happens when I’m sick or tired or injured anyway.
24. You get to spend time with people you love
…why wouldn’t I do that now? I don’t need a baby to spend time with people I love, I do that as much as possible now anyway.
25. All the cool gear
I haven’t looked into that one, but assuming I can take their declarations at face value, that might be pretty cool too. I suspect what they consider cool and what I consider cool are very different, however.
26. You get to name a human
Conversely, I have the immense responsibility of naming a human! I hate my name, so I don’t want to saddle a kid with a name they hate, but how can I know what names the kid will hate before it’s even born?
27. You’re extra motivated to take great care of yourself
New year’s resolution: Take care of myself. There. Now I’m motivated.
28. You get to feel like a god, because you are creating LIFE
Note to self: when pregnant, remind self daily that I am a deity. That sounds like something I’ll want to milk
29. You’re never alone
The baby is always with you, starting a bond that will last for the rest of your lives
So I guess the moral of the story is that
I’m an insane weirdo every woman is going to approach pregnancy different because we’re all different people with different priorities and values I guess?